Goodbye my lover
by LovingMyDoctor
Summary: After Harrys death Voldemort rules the magical world. Mudblood and traitors are sold as slaves and are severely mistreated. Snape offers to help Hermione and so she becomes her slave. Can she trust him? Can they save the magical world?
1. 1

Goodbye my Lover

A/N: This is different from my kind of stories. Very dark, that's why I rated it M. What book we're in is explained in the stories. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>Goodbye my Lover<em>

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_The one for me._

* * *

><p>„Excuse me?"<p>

I stared at my teacher. My previous teacher.

„Look, Miss Granger, do you want me to save your life or not?"

Of course I wanted that, but the events of the last few weeks were still pressuring me. This was a big question, a life-changing decision. But really the life I had always known had been over for a long time. Even before Harrys death.

„But...are you really sure?", my voice sounded terribly unsure, because frankly I wasn't a know-it-all any more, I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

„Yes, I am sure, now say yes or no."

Yes or No. Did I want Professor Snape to buy my as a Slave? No. Did I want someone else to do that? Someone who might have terrible intentions? No!

„I don't..."

I didn't know, how should I have known, if maybe he would hurt me? Maybe he would turn out to be a horrible man, I didn't know him!

„Muggleborns and Muggles are going to die", he spoke in his usual cold voice, as if he didn't really care what he was talking about, „Now that the dark Lord has risen he will make sure that they are where he thinks they belong, you were Harry Potters best friend, Miss Granger. I will not be able to give you the life you always wanted, you will never get that but I will be able to protect you from a life, you can't even imagine in your worst nightmares."

I would never get the life I dreamed about. My friends were dead. Or close to being dead at least.

But a slave? Snape's slave? I could already hear Harrys and Rons voices in my head, warning me, telling me to run away...poor Ron. He was in coma in St. Mungo's. Brain dead. And Harry had been killed.

„Miss Granger!", now his voice was persistent, „I'm your best choice, no one else will even give you a choice."

When I didn't answer he turned around,

"Come and find me, when you've made you're decision. If it's not too late."

"Wait!", the thought of being left alone with thoughts of plans for Muggles was too much, "Wait! Fine, I'll go with you."

But only because I had no other place to go. He came to me and grabbed my hand. Before I'd even comprehended what had happened we stood in front of a large house.

"Come on", he let go of me and I followed him up the stairs into the house. It was dark inside with little furniture in the hallway. He hung up his cloak and carried on walking. I had nothing to hang up, I was only wearing some jeans and a top. I hadn't taken anything with me, so I followed him into his living room. A dark room with a couch and a big bookshelf, that was filled up completely.

"Sit down", he pointed towards the couch and he himself sat down in the armchair oposite me.

"If we have guests you have to pretend to be my slave, that means you must call me master and you must do everything I tell you to do."

"Ok."

"Ok, _Sir, _Miss Granger. Don't forget to show your respect."

I wanted to hit him right there. But I didn't. I only sat there and waited for him to say something. He didn't thou. He only sat there and I wondered, if he was regretting his discussion.

"Why did you choose me?"

He didn't answer and again that fear overcame me, that he might have horrible plans with me. Whenever Harry and Ron had talked about him badly I'd always defended him, but what had I actually known of him? Did I know enough to live with him? Alone?

"If someone is here you shouldn't leave your room", he said, standing up, "Come on, I'll show you."

I followed him upstairs, the walls in this house were just as dark as the ones I'd already seen. Upstairs there were many rooms, in my mind I saw torture-chambers, chains, windowless rooms...he opened a door and led me into a room with white walls, one bed and a large closet.

"You've got your own bathroom", he pointed towards the door at the far side of the wall, "I'll go to the stores later on to get what you need."

His generosity was surprising to me and it made me feel uneasy and what was he doing with a spare room like this anyway? Had he been planning this for a while? I walked past him into the bathroom. It had a shower, toilette and sink and it was of a brilliant white, as if it was brand new. Sure he was a wizard, but why had he done that?  
>"What do you need?", his voice made me jump, "Other than clothes and toiletries ."<p>

"Eh...nothing."

What I needed was a break. First Harry, then Ron and now this? Not to mention my parents, who were in Australia and had no idea who I was.

"What's your size?"

"What?", I turned around to him, "I'm coming with you."

He sighed, "That might be...difficult."

"Why? You can't just choose my clothes! I'm coming!"

"Fine", he snarled, "but we will have to play our role, do you understand that?"

"Of course I do!"

"That means you must respect me, you must do as I say and you must fear me!"

I looked up into his eyes and tried to tell myself, that he was good, that he would take care of me. I stared into the black depth long enough, until I found him again. The person I had trusted while I had been at school.

"Ok. And I need to call you master, right?"

"Yes, now lets go."

* * *

><p>Shopping had never been stranger. We had gotten my toiletries and some clothes I'd chosen in some Muggle shops. But I wanted to go to Diagon Alley, I wanted to see that the life I had left was over, wanted to understand that things would never be the same again. Then we met Lucius Malfoy.<p>

He spotted him before me.

"Be humble", he muttered seconds earlier, I turned around to the arrogant figure and dropped my gaze immediately.

"Severus, I see you wasted no time!", I felt his eyes on my but fixated all I had onto the floor, "Got yourself the best one, well the Dark Lord said who comes first, comes first!", he leaned forward, as if to whisper, but he didn't whisper, he spoke loudly, proudly, "You won't believe, which one I got! We'll have to swap them around, it's a shame we're only allowed to have one. I'll come around the next few days, I have to train her!", I could feel the excitement radiating of him, I could hear his grin, "I knew you'd be here, dressing her up, I knew whoever you took you'd dress her up!"

"Well not all of us like to have them dirty and smelly."

Lucius laughed loudly, "They already are dirty, when we get them! I'll see you around, Severus."

"Who is it?", I whispered, when Malfoy was gone, "Who's his slave?"

"I don't know. Come on, pick something you like and then lets go."

We did that. When I chose some underwear he stayed away respectfully. He spent a lot of money only for me and when I was at his home putting everything in my closet and my bathroom I felt strange. This was all so surreal, I'd been pushed into the new life so suddenly and I didn't know what had happened to my other friends. After the accident, where it all happened I'd hidden in London. Up until he had found me and offered his form of help. In a meeting Voldemort had decided upon the fate of muggleborns. Every pure wizard was allowed to have one and he chose me, to save me. Whatever that meant.

I had no idea how the Weasleys were, Ginny, Molly, Arthur and all the other boys. I wasn't there, when they heard of Rons death.

I dropped everything that was in my hands and ran down the stairs, I found him in the living room, staring up at his bookshelf,

"What about the Weasleys?", I panted, "they're pure-bloods, can't they take me?"

"They most probably dead", he didn't turn around and I was glad, because I didn't want him to see my mouth drop open, tears spring into my eyes and my whole world fall apart, "They're traitors, Miss Granger, something the Dark Lord might even hate more than Muggles."

I couldn't breathe. My lungs tightened, my chest hurt, a knot began to form in my stomach. Dead. The Weasleys were dead. I turned around and ran up to the room he had chosen for me. I threw myself on the bed his money had pain and sobbed uncontrollably, this was my life now. Everything that had been important was over and it was all my fault.

"_Hermione!", Ron hurried up behind me and threw himself against me, laughing. _

_We felt safe, we had finally found one of the horcruxes and we felt powerful and hopeful. Dumbledore was dead and that had crushed all of us, but we were here. We were going to fight for the right thing._

_I turned around to Ron, laughing and then I kissed him. We'd been doing that for some weeks now and Harry was glad, he said it was about time. I still felt bad about it, because I know how much he was missing Ginny._

"_Those Weasleys!", we'd joked._

_Those Weasleys, who had turned our heads around, turned our whole lives around. Who had given us hope for a better world, once this was all over._

_We had moved out of the forest and had rented a car. Ok, we had stolen a car with help of magic. Desperate times called for desperate needs. At least that's what Harry and Ron said. I thought we could have honestly payed for it. But they were right, if we were attacked how should we have explained the damage that happened to the car?_

_We still stayed in the countryside, hiding from people, who were looking for us. But we were happy, and so hopeful. And so naive._

The happiness was the strongest. Looking back I still believed that. No matter how much I hated for myself what had happened, no matter how much I accused myself I was certain most of the time we were all happy.

"Miss Granger, I'm leaving for a Death-Eaters-Meeting now, there's some food downstairs", he hadn't knocked or tried to come in, so I figured I should answer, before he did come inside and see me this way.

"Ok."

He didn't scold me for my lack of respect and when I heard his footsteps moving away I sighed a sigh of relief, but also of sadness. I knew what this new life would bring me, even if he didn't hurt me. Loneliness.

* * *

><p>After a quick dinner-I didn't know, if he had cooked it himself, but I hadn't run into any house-elfs-I hurried upstairs and into bed, knowing what nightmares would follow me.<p>

"_Maybe you do like me now, but it doesn't change the fact, that for the last years I was waiting for you and you were obviously interested in him!"_

_Rons arguments were getting more ridiculous every day. This life wasn't always as happy, as we had imagined it. _

"_Ronald, I was the one waiting for you!"_

_It had nothing to do with any Horcrux, the necklace was destroyed and we hadn't found a new one. The problem was the stress, the fear and the small space of our tent. We had no way to go out of each others way and we had no way to be alone, just the two of us._

"_Ron, listen Mate, you're completely overreacting..."_

"_Shut it Harry!", Ron yelled, "This is none of your business! This is my girlfriend, alright? Stay away!"_

_Something inside me stirred at those words, _

"_Who do you think you are?", I practically screamed into his face, "Harry can say whatever he likes, just because I'm your girlfriend doesn't mean you get to control me!"_

"_No it obviously means I don't get to do anything!"_

_It should have been over there and then. I should have said, it's fine, it's alright I understand you're frustrated. Sometimes I think I should have told him I loved him, because now it was too late and if I would have said it back then, we might have been able to save the world. Save our lives._

"_Well what do you expect? Special boyfriend-laws? You can decide over who I talk to and what I do?"_

"_You're the one completely overreacting! Harry, are you listening to her? I never said those things!"_

"_But you're thinking them!",I shot back, before Harry had a chance to interfere, "You think you own me, you've always been like that and you always think you know what's best for me!"_

"_Of course I do! I know what's best for you, you just can't stand it, if someone knows something you don't!"_

"_That's not the topic at all!"_

_Harry left in that moment, he went into the tent and just stayed there. Sometimes I think, if would have stayed with us, things could have been prevented._

"_Now you just want to change it again! I thought you were mine but you're not, because of Harry."_

"_Harry has nothing to do with us! I'm not yours because I won't let you push me around and decide things for me!"_

"_Son of bitch!"_

Ok, that last part hadn't been said. Slowly my eyes got used to the darkness and my mind realized, that I wasn't in the past. I was in the presence, in Snapes House. I shot up and scrambled out of bed, someone was in the house, someone was making noise.

I had no weapon. I'd never gotten my wand back. Kind of like I'd never deserved it. Besides, in this new life a wand wouldn't be allowed anyway. I crept along the dark holiday into the kitchen where the noises were coming from. It was a strange moaning sound. I tried to be as quiet as possible, as I entered, but when I saw what going on I forgot my intention immediately.

"Sir!"

He was on the floor, crouched and the memory threatened to crash me, I pushed Harry from my mind and hurried to Professor Snape's side.

"Are you Ok?"

He moaned again, before whispering, "Don't pretend like you care, Granger."

"Be respectful, Sir", I touched the wound on his head, that was causing him so much trouble, it was bleeding, "Come on", he stood up leaning on my and on the floor I saw a broken glass, that was probably the noise that had woken me in the first place. When he was sitting down I got a wet cloth and carefully pressed against his wound,

"What happened?"

"Drunk Death-Eaters", he sounded tired, bored, "We get into fights...we get hurt...ow!"

"Sorry!", I didn't move my hand, even if it was hurting him, "I can do a spell, if you want me to."

"I don't want you to."

"Yeah, but it seems serious."

"I've handled worse things without your help, Miss Granger", he lifted his hand to mine to pull it away, "If you want to make yourself useful, you can clean up the broken glass", he stood up, "Goodnight."

I answered him back, but thought two words, that you do not write as one. After that I went back to bed, knowing exactly what was to come.

"_I really don't see your problem! I'm not the one doing something wrong here!"_

"_Yes you are!", I turned away from him, "Look, I'm going for a walk, I'll be back."_

_His hand caught mine, "Don't. That's too dangerous."_

"_I'll be fine!", I snatched my hand back and disappeared into the woods._

_Later on that was always so clear in my mind, how I snatched my hand away so roughly, how I snatched myself away from him so roughly._

_In the woods I thought about all our arguments. If I wanted the best solution for everyone, then there was only one way. I had to tell him I loved him._

Looking back it's painfully ironic how long I thought about telling him I loved him.

_Because when I finally had my sentences ready, when I finally knew I was ready to face him I found him dead. For a long time I stood there, unable to move, my wand, I had clenched so tightly fell to the floor._

_His beautiful face was destroyed, blotched with bruises, blood and cuts._

"_He's...not...dead...", Harry was crouching in the floor, hand on his stomach, trying to keep the wound closed._

"_Harry!", I hurried over to him, pressed my hands against him, trying to keep the blood in,_

"_He...he.."_

"_Don't talk, Harry please hold on!"_

"_He was glad you weren't here", he gasped loudly, "He loves you! I...Ginny...!"_

Harry never got to say he loved Ginny. I understood thou. I got the car and brought Ron to a hospital. Later on I read about Harrys death in the newspaper and of Ron lying in a Coma in St. Mungo's. I stayed away, hid in shame, until I was found.

* * *

><p>Review are awsome, Guys!<p> 


	2. 2

Goodbye my Lover

Review are awesome, thank you so much! This story hasn't got any chapters, it just carries on. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>He'd told me at least ten times now already and I promised him to be good. I even called him Master, but he knew I thought it was funny and just gave me a stern look. Life turned out to be lonely, but also peaceful and quiet. I wasn't allowed to enter any room upstairs, but my own. Downstairs however I could eat what I liked, when I liked and read in his books as much as I liked. He was out most of the time and I didn't ask where he went, we didn't eat together. In the cellar he had a potions-lab, I was never allowed to enter that.<p>

It was 3 weeks later and Malfoy was coming for a visit. He still didn't know who the slave was and I prayed it was no one I knew. I was to stay upstairs at all times and if I was called I had to come down and behave like a slave.

He'd given me two options: Either I was to wear something dirty and smelly or I was to wore something ridiculously exposing and trashy.

I chose the second remembering very well Malfoys picture of a slave.

"Why did you choose me?", I asked once again, hoping he wouldn't start lecturing me on how to behave again.

"I don't know, you _are_ awfully annoying."

I smirked at him, just the way he did, before going upstairs. I think we both needed that, the mocking and teasing, it made life with each other seem easy and normal. Upstairs I put on the dress and waited. I'd known all along I wouldn't sit upstairs in my room and just pretend like everything was Ok. I was going to sneak downstairs and have a look, what was going on. He never told me what was decided in those Meetings and I felt like I had the right to know. I was Muggleborn, it was about me.

When I heard the front door open I slowly crept downstairs. I hid behind the bannister, by the time I had made it that far Malfoy had sat down on the armchair, facing towards me. His feet were up on something, some piece of furniture I didn't know...suppressing a gasp I pressed my hand against my mouth. That wasn't a piece of furniture. It was a human. Turning my head meant exposing more of myself, but it also meant seeing more of what was going on.

I did see.

And I wished I hadn't.

It was Ginny. She was on her knees, in front of him-sideways-so he could put his feet up on her. Oh poor Ginny, all the times I had thought of her, I'd never imagined her like this.

"We had some nice days in the cellar!", his voice was so loud, almost as if he knew I was listening, as if he wanted to torment me on purpose, "It took a while until she understood who her master is, but I think we got there now didn't we?", he stroked her once beautiful red hair, that was now fithly and greasy, he stroked her as if she was a cat.

"What did Narcissa say?"

Lucius rolled his eyes in a very dramatic way, "She of course is jealous of everything female I like to look at and that was before I did anything! Draco of course wanted to join in all the torture, but I find that strange, he is my son after all, he should be doing that alone and not with me", he shook his head, "I told him he could have your girl, Severus and he's really excited...", Malfoy turned his head sideways looking at him curiously, "She is still a virgin isn't she?"

"Of course not! Do you think I dressed her up for nothing?"

"Well this one isn't a virgin either!", he stamped his foot on Ginnys back, as if to emphasise that it was her, but what ever girl would he be talking about?

Tears shot into my eyes, as my hand pressed harder against my mouth. Malfoy sighed and leaned back,

"It's just like old times, Mate...But even better with the Potter boy gone."

Ginny winced and Malfoy moved so quickly, before I knew what had happened he'd struck Ginny on the head and she'd collapsed.

I screamed, I couldn't help it. Immediately Snape jumped to his feet, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the living room. He probably didn't even have to fake his anger, just like I didn't have to fake my fear.

Ginny was slowly and weakly pushing herself up from the ground, her eyes met mine and I saw tears in them. And more. Anger. Hope. The will to live.

I shook my head at her sight, crying.

"My goodness, Severus if you don't want me to fuck her here and now you'd better get her out of here!"

The lustful gaze in his eyes suddenly made me wish I'd chosen the other form of outfit, the one Ginny was wearing. The dirty one.

Again he grabbed my arm harshly and pulled me up the stairs,

"What the hell do you think you were doing?", he hissed, once we were in my room, "Do you know how much I've risked for you? I could get killed any day and you just bring us both into so much danger!"

"Why did you choose me?", I sobbed, "You should have taken her, she's stronger she can do this, I would be dead by now!"

"I know, that's w.."

"You don't get it!", I interrupted him loudly, "I don't deserve this! It's my fault they're dead, I should have been there! I should have died too!"

He shook his head and backed out of the room. He had to go back down there. Sobbing I turned from the door, in hope of getting as far away as possible from what I had just seen.

Poor Ginny. Poor Molly and Arthur having to loose her to.._him_. To the Malfoys. That will to live, that was going to ruin her. Couldn't she see what the future was going to be like for us? It was better to die! It was better to just die so we could be with Ron and Harry! If I was in her position I'd be dead and she'd be here.

Again someones suffering was my fault, this whole situation was my fault, I should have looked out more for Harry!

Before I knew what had happened I was in the bathroom, with a blade against my wrist. This life was too much for me. Really, ever since I'd held Harrys dead body and the shell of Ron in my arms I had known it would be too much. It was time to end it. The cuts didn't hurt, they felt good. Right. This was the right thing to do.

* * *

><p>I wasn't entirely sure what happened. One Moment I was sobbing on the bathroom floor, next all my pain had vanished and I was laughing with Ron and Harry, we were so happy...<p>

Then the pain came back again. Full shot, in one go. I screamed and fought against the hands that were holding me down,

"Damnit Hermione!"

The sound of my first name caught me of guard I hadn't heard it in a while. I looked up into the Potions-masters face, there was blood smeared along his cheek. My blood. I reached out to touch it and he held my hand in his shaking his head,

"I chose you, because I couldn't save him."

Sobs shook my body, for I knew what he was talking about. I knew he had loved Harrys Mother, had therefore felt responsible for him, while Harry had been alive. I knew he had lost the person he had loved, just like I had.

He had already healed my wounds magically, and pulled me against him. His comfort was good for me, he smelled like home, like safety.

His arms held me tightly, as he rocked back and forth, holding me and sheltering me.

"Please tell me she's not locked up in his cellar!"

"I'm so sorry!", I had never heard him speak like this, there was so much pain in his voice, he truly was sorry, "You weren't supposed to see that, you were supposed to stay away remember?"

"So you knew?", I looked up at him with a tear-strained face, "You knew she was his slave?"

"I had a guess. I just...hoped I would be wrong."

I threw myself against him, "I'm so scared."

Again his arms caught me, "I'll never let anything happen to you I promise. I won't fail again."

I wanted to tell him that he hadn't failed, but then he would have to know that it was I who had failed so I kept silent and wept in his arms.

This dark strange and foreign world was new to us both and he had lost people as well. Even if I had once been the know-it-all and he the mean teacher, even if I was supposed to be his slave and he my master. We needed each other.


	3. 3

A/N: I haven't given this up, I am just a very slow writer, thank you for your reviews, they are very motivating, I had fun writing this, Snape is...very OOC in my opinion, but I guess you guys can decide yourself :) enjoy!

* * *

><p>It happened more often now, that he came home and was weak. He'd collapse on the floor or sometimes on the couch, but every time he knocked something other and pulled me out of my sleep. I managed to wake him up and help him to his bed, but he never told me, what was going on. Or he lied. There was a drunk Death-Eater, he hadn't eaten, drunken, or slept enough, he had a bad migraine. There were so many excuses, sometimes they even contradicted themselves or they were plain stupid: Why would someone pass out, because they'd drunken too much water?<p>

Really, it was none of my business, we lived together, he took care of me, that was it. But I had nothing else to do and I wanted to know what was going on.

"Are you going out again?", I asked, as he walked to the door.

His reading-room was near it, when I sat in his armchair I could watch it easily.

"Yes."

"Where to?"

"A Meeting?"

I closed my book, "Are you an Alcoholic?"

He sighed, "You certainly know what kind of Meeting I'm going to Hermione."

_Hermione_, that was nothing unusual anymore. I hadn't brought myself to say his name yet, because frankly, he hadn't offered it.

"Is it drugs? I mean falling over every night...it's not very healthy..."

"I am going now, goodbye."

"Be safe!", I cried out, all of the humor disappeared from my voice.

"Always am."

He walked out of the door and immediately my inside churned. I was worried for him, if anything happened to him I would be taken away to a different "master" and I was sure my new one would not treat me the way Snape did.

Also I needed him, he was something of my old life that had come with me into the new strange one, he was my constant.

I opened the book again, it was_ Hogwarts a History_, I found refuge in these words, for I had read them so many times, I could hear myself speaking them to Harry and Ron, could see myself on the Hogwarts Express and sometimes if my emotions weren't running crazy I could feel that feeling of freedom, of normality of being Hermione Granger, a girl with parents who loved her, a brilliant career ahead of her, part of the golden Trio, best friend of Harry Potter. Oh the feeling of living my own, happy life.

"_Ron! Ron! Please!", Sobbing I threw myself onto his chest, "I love you so much Ron, I love you so much! I'm so sorry!"_

_My cries filled the air, all around us it was quiet._

He's...not...dead. I_ had to bring him away from here._

"_Harry!", I touched him, tried to feel any sign of life from him, but he was dead._

"_I'll fix this", I promised, "I'll save Ron and I'll tell her Harry, I will, I promise!"_

_The car! I had to get to the car!_

_The tent, our belonging, none of it mattered any more, I ran all of it over._

_While heaving Rons body unto the backseat a terrible noise suddenly surrounded me. It was laughter. His laughter._

"_The Boy Who Lived Has Finally Died!", I covered my ears in hope of getting rid of this terrible noise, but there was no use, for it was in my head._

"_Voldemort has won this battle once and for all! Whoever does not see me as their master will be killed, you have been warned!"_

_Once it was over I fell to the ground. But I knew I couldn't stay here long, I had to keep moving I needed to get out of here. If he knew Harry was dead, then he knew where he was and would be coming for him._

"_I'm so sorry."_

_I drove the car as fast as it was possible. It was only when I sped down the highway, that I realized apparating would be much quicker._

_Somehow I ended up at the Hospital and I laid him down in the front hall before turning away and walking around the corner as if none of this concerned me. From there I watced,_

"_Come on", my lips moved without sound, "come on, do something, save him, save him!"_

_Finally a Healer came running down the corridor,_

"_I need help!"_

_He leaned over him, over that beautiful man, who was so shattered, but had so much will to live, "Sir can you here me?"_

_More Healers came, they surrounded him, took him away. _

"_I love you, Ronald Weasley."_

_I left._

This time I wasn't woken by him falling, it was merely the door, that he opened and closed. I awoke from my highly unpleasant and disorienting dream with relief, that he was alright.

"You're back."

He came inside and sat opposite me, "I'm always back, Hermione."

"Is everything Ok?"

His hand reached into his jacket, which was dripping wet for it had been raining rather heavily outside,

"This is for you. Now, before I give it to you, lets be clear: You do not ask questions, as to how I have gotten this message", he leaned forward, so he could speak even quieter, than in his usual voice, "You are a clever girl Hermione, you know there isn't a Death-Eaters-Meeting every day, but use that brilliant brain of yours and think of why I cannot tell you, where it is I am going", he face came even closer to mine, "I am only protecting you."

With that he pulled a piece of paper out of his chest pocket and handed it to me. I opened it and my hands were shaking,

_Hermione, _

_We know you were with Ron and Harry, when it happened. We do not blame you for Rons condition neither for Ginnys. We do not no of any other whereabouts of our children, we hope they are safe. Thank whatever there is left to thank that you are safe dear Hermione, we were always very fond of you and have loved you as our own daughter. We wish you the best, that someday maybe you will have a normal, beautiful life, as you had always deserved. We see Ron everyday, in disguise of course, we cannot show our true identities. His condition hasn't changed and we pray he doesn't wake up, for YKW wants to know how Harry died. **He does not know you were there Hermione,** we made sure of that, keep that secret dear, for it is the only thing keeping you alive._

_We love you Sweetheart and hope to see you again, in a different life or a better place._

_Arthur and Molly Weasley._

I fought against crying with all my strength and read the letter again and again. Shaking I finally put it into my lap,

"C..Can you explain me some things?"

He hadn't moved from his seat and he didn't show any kind of reaction to my one.

"Yes."

"Why didn't they spell You-Know-Who?"

This Answer was going to be an uncomfortable one, I could see that in his eyes.

"People were afraid of saying his name for years and You-Know-Who turned into his new name and know..."

"People are afraid of that too", I finished quietly, before asking my next question, "How come he doesn't know I was there, what did they do?"

"You know Nymphadora?"

I nodded.

"Well she took on your identety and went to Azkaban, I got her out of there, brought her to Lupin and then found and consolted you, you were very lucky no one else found you, except for me."

"Is...Is Tonks crazy now?"

He shook his head, "She's as sane, as she ever has been, if that means anything."

"I didn't know she could...change into any person like that."

"She didn't seem to know herself, but she managed it all very well, it didn't make a very big differnce to the Dementors, they don't really see people anyway."

"Her Baby?", I asked paniced, "Is her Baby alright?"

"Fine, started crawling around from what I last heard."

Tears streamed down my face, I couldn't stop them anymore.

"Why would she do that? Why would everyone go through so much to protect me?"

"They meant to protect Potter", he spoke softly, "but that didn't work and instead_ it saved you_."

He gave me a minute to digest that, before continuing,

"You'll have to burn this letter, so that the it doesn't fall into the wrong hands, alright?"

"Have I got th...can I learn it of by heart first?", I looked up at him begging him to understand how much these words meant to me, how terrible the thought of destroying them was .

"Of course."

He stood up to leave, but I called him back,

"You're doing something good, aren't you? Something to stop him?"

His back was turned to me and he didn't move, but my question had never really been a question at all.

"You don't want to tell me, in case something goes wrong and he asks me questions. You don't want me to rat you out."

Now he did turn around, "It never mattered, if I died, I couldn't have cared less, but since I've been looking after you it does. _You_ matter and if something happens to me...", he shook his head, "I can't stand the thought of you being hurt Hermione, you are all left from those I failed to protect."

"Then I won't ask you any questions", the honesty of his feelings had surprised me tremendously, but I didn't show that, "I'm glad it's not drugs."

He was all for the joking, "I never said it wasn't."

Again he wanted to leave,

"Wait! If...when you see them again, tell them I love them?"

It took him a moment to answer,

"Sure."

* * *

><p>That evening something changed. He knocked on my door,<p>

"Dinner's ready."

Normally we never ate together, since he wasn't there most of the time. Downstairs I came face to face with another surprise,

"You can cook?"

He rolled his eyes, "Of course, having house-elves isn't my style and having a maid is too expensive."

"Isn't it like my job to cook for you?"

He pointed towards a chair for me to sit down and I did.

"Your job is to live Hermione, that's all I could ever ask from you, it's all I want from you."

"Give me your plate", I handed it to him and he filled it with noodles and then put some Sauce over it.

I wanted to ask him, if he remembered the meals we'd eaten at Hogwarts, but I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, so I thanked him and began eating.

After two minutes of silence-except for the usual clatter of our forks and our plates-I asked,

"What do you mean House-elves aren't your style?"

"I don't like having people working for me, that goes for creatures of any kind, besides it isn't very fair, they don't get paid, they never have free-time and most of the time they get treated terribly."

"That's exactly what I always said!", I cried excitedly, "Ron and Harry said that..."

I gasped. Talking about them was hard, I didn't know if it was alright.

"What did they say?", he sounded sincerely interested, but I knew it wasn't in what I had to say, but who I was talking about. He wanted to show me that it was alright to speak about them.

"That House-Elves loved the way they lived, that they were happy and setting them free would be cruel."

He rolled his eyes, "Those are just stupid excuses, House-Elves don't know anything else, that's why they say they're happy, but they don't even know what that means."

"I never answered that", I whispered, "and we discussed it so many times...", I shook my head, "It seems so stupid now, such a waste of time...I was so angry at them, at Ron mainly, so many times...I wasted so much."

His hand reached out to touch mine, "Lily and I used to argue about the same thing over and over again and as I remember Potter you probably know exactly what or rather who Lily and I always argues about."

"James, Harrys Dad?"

He nodded, "I could have just gotten over the fact, that Lily chose him. I could have tried to just be friends with him and maybe things wouldn't have turned out differently. We can't change the past Hermione, so don't beat yourself up with questions and what-ifs, there's no use."

"What if we can change the past?", I spoke quietly, "What if we use a Time-Turner and..."

"If it were possible, don't you think I would have done that ages ago? Don't you think I would have given Harry his parents?", he pulled his hand back, "like I said you're clever, you know there's no changing of the past."

He stood up to clear away our empty plates and I stood up,

"Hey, I know you said you don't like people working for you, but...can I make myself useful? I can...try and cook."

His face broke into a smile at my words, "Sure Hermione, whatever you want."

This friendliness was so unlike him, but this was my new life, our new life, now and this came with changes. We tieded up together, washed the plates in a muggle way, because that way we both had something to do. I wasn't sure about him, but I wasn't thinking of the past. I was thinking of the future. Harry was dead. Ron was as good as gone. Snape and I were surviving this and I was sure we could make this work and maybe, just maybe there was a chance for defeating Voldemort and getting ourselves out of this mess.

He noticed me staring at him and smiled. I smiled back, maybe he was thinking of Lily, but it didn't matter. We'd both always think of them, what mattered now was that we stuck together.

I had to smile, here I was planning my future with Professor Snape, befriending him. The once so hated teacher, now the only friend I had left.


	4. 4

Hi Guys. I lost some of this story and was really frustrated, but that was actually a good thing, because now I changed the plot a tiny bit and think it's better than the deleted part.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>The idea came to me at night. Very suddenly. And as it is often the case I thought it was a brilliant idea. Then I began to doubt. Then I thought it was great again.<p>

It was during breakfast. Just as he held his cup of tea against his lips I spoke my thoughts out loud.

"I want you to swap us for a weekend. Malfoy gets me and Ginny comes here for a weekend."

He set his mug down,

"No. Absolutely not."

"But it-"

"I said no Hermione. There will be no discussion."

I would not give up so easily.

"Think about how good it would be for her. You could explain to her what you are doing, you could give her a message from her parents!"

He shook his head, "And what about you? You would be in Malfoys house for 48 hours."

"I'll manage it."

"No."

My former teacher picked up the newspaper and began to read it. I didn't touch the toast lying on the small plate before me, but continued to stare at him.

I watched his eyes as they moved along the page, he knew I was watching it.

"Severus."

It was the first time I had said his name. It made him look up. He raised his eyebrows.

"I appreciate what you are doing for me. I just can't sit around and live normally while Ginny is in pain, I have to help her and this is the only way I can. Can't you understand that?"

He put the newspaper down again, "Can't you understand that all I am trying to do is to protect you? Why do you keep on throwing yourself into the line of fire?"

"Please." I was begging now, "Just think of all the good it could bring. If she can hope and believe we can change the law, then she ca-"

"We _can't_ change the law." He interrupted, "I know you hold into the hope and I don't want to take it away from you, but I do not believe in it." A sigh escaped his lips, "I do not now how to bring The Dark Lord to a fall."

"But…her parents and he-"

"I know what you are saying. I understand the good it will bring, but it's not worth you to go through what you will go through."

"It's not your decision."

"Actually it is." He reached for his newspaper again.

"I'm strong enough to handle this."

"I don't care. You're not going." He didn't exactly raise his voice but it was clear his patience was beginning to fade.

"So now you are my master now after all?!" I snapped at him, "You just get to decide over my life?!"

Anger flared up in his eyes, as he leaned forward, "When it comes to your safety, yes. Obviously you have no idea how to stay out of trouble. Just like you always have been with Potter and Weasley, won't you ever grow up?!"

"Maybe you have just never dared yourself to risk your own life to help somebody else. Maybe you're just a coward!"

He slammed his fist on the table, "I am not a coward! I am trying to-"

"Protect me yeah I know! But I didn't ask you for your help!" I stood up, "You are treating me like a slave, just as Malfoy does, because you won't let me make a decision, because you're too scared!"

He stood up now as well, "You know nothing about me! I am not a coward and I am not afraid!"

"Well you don't know nothing about me!" I was the one who was shouting now, "I can handle this!"

"Believe me, you can't!" His voice had also risen to a shout before he sighed, "I'm not having this discussion with you Hermione, the answer is a no."

And then he just left.

* * *

><p>I can still feel the warm summer wind on my face. Driving through the field ways and listening to loud music.<p>

Harry, Ron and I. The golden trio.

Oh how I missed them!

What would they think of me now?

They would do it. For Ginny. For their friend. They would do it for me. I was sure of it

How I wished to speak to them!

They would agree with me. Severus was being a coward. He just didn't risk things. And that's why he had never gained anything.

Maybe that was even why he and Lily had never ma-.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.

I sat up for I had been lying on my bed, "Yes?"

He came inside with a tray in his hands, there was a glass if orange juice and a plate with toast on it and a glass of jam.

"I talked to Malfoy." His voice was shaking as he spoke these words, "This coming next weekend would suit him."

As he handed me the tray I was sure I was going to drop it and quickly set it down on the bed.

"You need to know every single fibre of my being is against this. There is not one part of me that thinks this is a good idea." He paused, "But it's your decision. So if you do say no after all we can still back out of it."

I shook my head, "I have to do this."

"Alright. After you've eaten, come down into the cellar. When he comes to pick you up you will be chained up there and we need to make it look like you've been there all this time."

I nodded. He left and I ate. I wasn't really hungry, knowing what lay before me, but I hadn't eaten any breakfast and I knew I would need a lot of strength.

When I entered the cellar, I saw he was already busy: He hung up chains on the wall, put a mattress on the floor and seemed to be creating stains on the stone floor with a bucket of paint that was as red as blood.

"Come here." He led me to where the chains were haning on the wall, "I just want to make sure if fits."

He put them on my feet and hands and this was the moment I realized I had forgotten one important piece of information.

"I…uh…I've never slept with anyone before."

He looked up at me, obviously confused.

"I'm still a virgin, but Malfoy thinks you've been raping me for some weeks now."

Then he understood and nodded,

"It doesn't matter there are spells, Malfoy uses them himself to make a girl be a virgin again."

I shuddered.

"So he can deflower them again."

"Yes." He stepped back and looked at me, as I lay there chained to the wall, "Yes, that's very good." He came forward again already to free me again, "You won't have to be in them for a long time. Maybe 10 minutes."

"You should hit me."

He stopped in his movements, "What?"

"I'm serious. Hit me, make my lip bleed or my eye swell, but do something that is visible."

A deep sadness was suddenly in his eyes, it made me feel guilty.

"I can do it myself too."

He shook his head and sighed, "It's fine. I'll do it. But not yet, we still have a few days. I'll do it a day before he comes."

"Ok."

We looked at each other. I was still in the chains.

"I'm sorry I called you a coward."

"I'm sorry I treated you like a slave."

I smiled and he smiled back tentatively. Once he had freed me we went upstairs. We sat together and read or watched Tv. He didn't go out that night and I was very glad and thankful for that, for as right as my decision was it didn't change the fact that I was scared out my mind and Severus' presence calmed me down.


	5. 5

**SPOV**

He was exactly on time. When I opened the door, he stood tall, proud and obviously excited. I felt sick to my stomach. This wasn't right. I couldn't just deliver Hermione to him like that. She was helpless.

But so was the shivering barely clothed red headed girl standing next to Lucius. He had his hand on the back of a neck, in a tight grip.

"Severus!"

"Lucius!"

We shook hands and I wondered how many people, actors, like me there were outside in the world. In the magical and the muggle one.

Men who pretended to be something they detested utterly.

He stepped inside my house. Pushing Ginny Weasley forward. She didn't flinch, as she fell to the ground.

"Sorry I couldn't wrap your gift up nicer! We had another round before we left, didn't we love?"

She didn't even glance at him and before he could kick her I said,

"Let's go down into the cellar. I feel safer, when they are locked up."

That made him laugh, he walked to his slave, ripped her head up by her hair,

"You just have to teach them better, Sev, then they won't run away." He leaned down to her and pinched her chin so hard it had to be hurtful, "Because these dirty bloods know exactly where they place is. They won't get far, no matter how fast they run!"

I was going to be sick. This was so wrong. I didn't want to hand him Hermione. All I had wanted to do was protect her. How could I have possible agreed to this?!

We walked down into the cellar. He literally threw Ginny down the small stairs. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Ah, very nice!"

Yes indeed. We had turned Hermione into a slave in three days. It had been her idea not to have a shower in this time and she even put some oil in her hair this morning.

I had hit her. And it had been terrible. Of all the things I had been forced to do as a death-eater, yes even killing our great headmaster, this had been the worst.

But it made the picture complete.

Her lip had burst open and bled. Her face had some bruises and her eye was blue. Last night she had dug her own fingernails into her arm and neck creating small wounds. Then she had cut them very short. For if a slave had long fingernails she could hurt me with them to defend herself.

No matter how stubborn she was I had to hand it to the girl: She was brilliantly intelligent.

Seeing her like this, chained to the wall broke my heart. I was sure I wouldn't be able to pull this through.

Perhaps she was right. Perhaps I was a coward. I would never risk what she was risking, for another person.

I unchained her and wished more than anything I could tell her something. Anything that would comfort her. That I was her friend, that it hurt me to do this, that I wished I could help them both, that I didn't want neither of them to suffer.

Once she was free of the chains she looked up at me and the fear in her eyes was not a show. She was truly terrified.

I squeezed her arms gently before turning around and handing her to Malfoy.

"Hello there gorgeous, are you ready for some fun?!"He grabbed her by the neck and pushed her up the stairs, "Have fun Severus, I'll see you in two days!" He laughed a laugh, which sounded like a bark and then went up the stairs.

I took Ginny arms and put her into the chains. She did not defend herself. Then I went upstairs to close the cellar door and sat down on the bottom of the stairs.

When I heard the front-door close I began to talk in a soft voice.

"I am not going to hurt you Miss Weasley." I stood up from the stairs and sat down in front of her, she was staring at the floor.

"I haven't raped Hermione and she usually isn't in this cellar. This was just a show to fool Malfoy. She has a room upstairs, that is where you will be sleeping. I put you in the chains now so you do not run away. If you do so you will just be brought back to Lucius and that will do none of us any good."

She still didn't react. I moved closer and lowered my voice,

"I am in contact with your parents, Ginny." This did make her look up, something lit up in her empty blurry eyes, "They are in disguise but they are alright. They live as muggles and work undercover in the order." Now she seemed surprised and I smiled, "Yes the order of Phoenix still exists, there aren't many people in it, but a few. Your brother Ron is still in hospital and his situation hasn't changed, which is a good thing because as long as he doesn't wake up nobody will hurt him."

She didn't reply, however at least she was looking at me now.

"I will get you out of these chains now and then show you your room, you can have a shower and put on some clothes and then there will be a meal waiting for you downstairs, alright?"

I did exactly that. She didn't seem to care about anything. She hardly reacted to the room and that was difficult because I didn't know if she understood everything I had explained to her. I showed her where the clothes were she could wear, how the shower worked and where the towels were.

"Alright." I said awkwardly, "I will be downstairs if you need anything."

She didn't say thank you and I closed the door carefully. I felt like throwing up or passing out. Maybe both.

I had to keep my mind and my hands busy, I had to stop worrying about Hermione. I couldn't help her now, I couldn't change the situation she was in. I would have to take care of her once she was back.

So I cooked for Ginny and recited potions-ingredients in my head to distract myself. It took almost an hour to prepare the Lasagna and for it to finish in the oven. I put a small piece on a plate and on a tray and also got some water. She was probably dehydrated.

When I knocked on the door there was no response, I opened it after a moment hesitation planing to just leave the tray for her. But when I entered I saw that she hadn't moved from her spot. She still sat on the bed in the dirty rags.

"What?" I put the tray on the small dresser, "Why didn't you have a shower?"

"I'm not stupid." Her voice was so full of hatred I hardly recognized it, "I know this show, Lucius did the same thing. It's a disgusting trick, you tell us you won't hurt us and give us food and a nice room to stay in and then a day later you pull us down the stairs by our hair and rape the shit out of us." She looked up and glared at me, "So why don't you spare me of all that and just get right to it? Let's just go back down into the cellar again." And the next words she mumbled scared me so much I was sure my heart actually stopped beating for a moment or two,

"I hope Hermione is cleverer."

"Oh no." I stepped closer, fear overtaking my whole body, "Oh no. If she believes him and tells him I also take good care of her..." I felt sick, "She will be taken away from me. The dark Lord will want her to be taken care of the way he sees fit." I began to tear at my hair, "Damnit! How could I have been so stupid! I shouldn't have let her go!"

Ginny stodd up from the bed now,

"You mean it." She whispered, absolutely stunned, "You really didn't hurt her."

"And I'm not going to hurt you."

She shook her head now, "Hermione _wanted_ to go?"

"She wanted to help you. Give you hope so you have the will to live through all of this." Now I was the one to shake my head, "But if she tells him of what is really going on in this house...it will end badly for all of us."

"She's not stupid." Ginnys voice was bitter, "She won't believe him." She took the plate of Lasagna and sat down on the bed again, eating from it carefully and slowly, "He will not get her far enough to trust her. She sees the way he handles me."

"He could say it's a show."

"She won't believe it."

She couldn't. If she did it would all be over.

"I wish I could have spoken to her before hand...I could have given her some advice." She put the empty plate away, "Like that she shouldn't defend herself. It just makes the whole process longer and he seems to enjoy it more. She should just be still and get it over with."

This was too much.

"Make sure you drink something." I handed her the bottle of water and then left her room. Outside in the hallway I began to cry. I hadn't cried in years. But one question swirled around in my head over and over.

What on earth had I done?!

* * *

><p>Reviews are very welcome!<p> 


	6. 6

**A/N: Thank you for your reviews. This is another SPOV. **

* * *

><p><strong>SPOV<strong>

Ginny eventually did have her shower and then came downstairs where I sat trying to read and distract myself from my worries for Hermione.

She ate some more Lasagna and drank more water. That was very good.

"I didn't know." I said as she sat down on the couch next to me.

"What didn't you know?"

"That you would be so desired. I chose Hermione because..."

"She's part of the golden trio and I'm not." Ginny completed my sentence, "Yes well that's just the story of my life, isn't it?"  
>"I'm so sorry." I lay my book aside, forgetting about it completely now, "I wish I could help you, truly I do, I wish I could get you out of there, but every death eater is only allowed to have one slave."<p>

"It's alright. You don't have to apo...this isn't your fault." She finally said.

But wasn't it? In a way? Had I not failed to protect Harry Potter? The boy who had lived? Who was supposed to save us all?

"I am sorry for you loss. For Harry."

"I'm not." She spoke honestly, "I'm glad he doesn't have to live to see what has happened to our world. To our lives. Think of what they would do to him." She shuddered and then added, "I miss him dreadfully, but not in this world. He doesn't belong here."

"No one of us does."

A sad look appeared in her eyes, "It's like we're characters who somehow ended up in the wrong story."

"And in the real actual story the dark Lord is dead."

"And Harry and I are married and have kids." She smiled the smallest of smiles, "And so are Hermione and Ron. And our kids would go to Hogwarts together."

I would probably be dead, because eventually the dark Lord would find out what my true identity is, my true loyalty. But I didn't say that, instead I said,

"And all would be well."

"Exactly."

But somehow the idea of Weasley marrying Hermione bothered me. I couldn't quite understand why though.

I had never liked that boy that much.

"The order of Phoenix..." She began cautiously, "What exactly are they doing?"

"We're...trying to find ways to make him fall. To get things back they were." Could I do this? Could I give this girl false hope? But wasn't it better to hope for something that would never come than to hope for nothing at all?

"I can't guarantee anything." I finally said, "But you should know that there are people who are fighting for a better life. People who want to get girls like you out of their situations."

"Thank you."

"Is there anything else you want?" I asked, "Anything? Food? Clothes? I can get you whatever you want, really anything. Except for your parents that would be too dangerous."

She shook her head, "Just a normal, civilized conversation is perfectly fine."

So that is what I gave her. We talked about Hogwarts, the weather, food, shampoo products...in the evening I brought her some parchment and she was able to write a letter to her parents.

I did not sleep well that night. My thoughts were with Hermione constantly.

* * *

><p>On Saturday Ginny and I watched Tv and cooked together. I could see it was good for her. There was a light in her eyes that hadn't been there before. Hermione had been right. She was going to be stronger after this weekend.<p>

Sunday evening had come too fast and not fast enough at the same time. It really confused my conscience.

I was glad to have Hermione back in safety, but felt terrible sending Ginny back to that awful place.

It was her who tried to ease my conscience.

"There is nothing you can do." She said as we waited for Lucius to come, "You're doing enough, you are protecting Hermione and you have given me three days of freedom and some strength. Thank you for that."

"Please hold on. We're doing all we can."

She nodded once, "I know. I will."

When they came Hermione looked alright. She was wearing a dress and her hair was combed and clean.

She didn't meet my eyes though.

"I cleaned her for you." Lucius beamed, "And I even revirginized her for you. Just the way you like it!"

"Thank you." I hated him so much, I was full of so much anger I wanted to kill him right there on the spot "I just cleaned this one up for you. You're right, she does know where she belongs." I pressed Ginnys arm just as I had Hermiones three days earlier, before pushing her into Lucius arms.

He merely pushed Hermione onto the floor.

"We should do this again."

"Yes."

"I'll see you soon, old friend."

I nodded and watched as he opened the door and pushed Ginny out of the house. I saw them disappear and immediately crouched down before the girl lying on the floor. She immediately began to cry. I pulled her into my arms and she did not fight against it, but clung to my shirt.

"Everything is ok!" I buried my head into her hair, "You're ok, you're home. Everything is ok."

I whispered comforting words to her and held her as her body was shaken by sobs. I told her Ginny had needed this, she had been right.

After what seemed like hours she finally fell sleep and I made some dinner for her. She ate it and didn't say a word. I didn't ask any questions.

Then she went to bed and I tried to sleep also. Once I had calmed my thoughts down enough I fell into a restless sleep. Hours later I was woken up by her. She stood at my bed crying and sobbing loudly. Again I held her and whispered to her, stroking her hair and her back. Once she had fallen asleep I cried silently for her and made a decision:

No matter how much she begged. No matter how much she thought it was right. No matter how unfair it was to Ginny.

We were never ever swapping our slaves again. Hermione was never going back to Lucius again.

* * *

><p>Tell me what you think! Did Hermione do the right thing?<p> 


	7. 7

Hi Guys, thank you your reviews! I am going away for four days, so you won't here anything from me then, but I still wanted to post one chapter before I leave.  
>Enjoy!<p>

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

I spent the next few days huddled up in a blanket, drinking tea and watching TV. Severus never left my side. If he wasn't next to me his eyes were constantly watching me. He didn't go to any meetings and didn't ask me any questions about the Malfoy Manor.

He had healed me without comment. I didn't even know where some of the bruises had come from. Others, though, had etched themselves into my mind and I could never forget them again.

The cigarette-burns for example. I hadn't even known Lucius Malfoay was a smoker.

And when I dwell on that thought I dwell on the dwelling, because how was it possible that I thought about things like this. Who cared if Lucius Malfoy was a smoker? What did it matter? Why did my thoughts pick out this piece of information?

"Hermione?"

I looked up at him, Severus was sitting on the small coffee-table, which stood in front of the couch I was sitting on.

"I need to ask you a question and it is vitally important that you answer honestly. After that I will leave you alone I promise."

He looked at me expectantly, as if he wanted an answer so he nodded.

"Ok." He sighed and my body tensed. Whatever he was going to ask me would remind me, would put my mind back to the Malfoy Manor and I didn't want that.

"When he first picked you up, did he say he wouldn't hurt you? That he was only pretending to hurt Ginny and that he would take good care of you?"

This was actually a harmless question and I relaxed again.

"Yes. That's exactly what he said."

"Did you believe him?" He sounded nervous, "Did you tell him I do the same?"

What did he think of me?

"Of course not! I said you had played the same trick on me and I wasn't going to fall for it again."

He leaned back and sounded sincerely astonished, "You really _are_ the cleverest witch of your age."

I had heard that sometime before. It seemed like a whole life-time ago.

"Draco." The name had moved from my lips, before I could stop them, "He came by too."

A pitiful look appeared in his eyes, "You do not have to talk about your experiences if you don't want to."

But I had to say this.

"He's like you." I said quietly, "He talked to me. He dropped out of Hogwarts. His father thinks it's so he can serve well you-know-who better, but really it's because the whole castle is full of deatheaters and they…teach how to be a deatheater. They teach them how to use the unforgivable curses and practise them on each other…not the killing one obviously, but if some aren't capable of doing it properly they are beaten and…" I shook my head and felt tears in my eyes, "He's turned Hogwarts into Hell Severus. He took it from us and made it his own."

"I know." His voice was soft and gentle, "I didn't wish to tell you this, because I did not want to upset you." He stood up and sat down on the couch next to me, I turned so I could face him,

"I had the option to work as a teacher at Hogwarts or buy a slave. And I weighed the options and I decided a slave would need my help more than a student."

"But there are more students you could have helped than one mere slave."

I knew what his actions were, I knew he wanted to protect me. I just didn't understand why.

"Yes, but the students who really do not like the system, the few, will find each other and find help in each other. A slave only has her master."

"But can't you do both?" I was confused, "I mean…don't you need a job?"

Severus shrugged his shoulders, "Apparently having a slave is work enough."

"What?!"

He swallowed, obviously uncomfortable with this topic, "The main purpose of the slaves, in the end, is to die. By owning and hurting a traitor or muggleborn I am contributing my part to the genocide of everything that isn't a pure-blood."

All sorts of feelings rushed through me at his words. The strongest one was fear.

"But…I won't die so quickly…I hope…I mean, if you're not doing your part, because you're not hurting me, won't they get suspicious? Won't they check up on you because you're not doing your job right?"

He shook his head, "This is something being discussed at the meetings at the moment. Most of us don't want to kill of our slaves. We want to keep them to ourselves and work in normal jobs. If the discussions continue to go this well we could be at Hogwarts in a year."

That sounded dreadful to me. Being locked inside the place, which had once been my home, but not being able to go outside?

That was horrible.

"Hermione." The seriousness of his voice surprised me, "I need to go to a meeting tonight. I will be home early, I promise, but will you be alright by yourself?"

I nodded. I had no choice. I had to be alright.

"I don't want to come back and find you bleeding on the floor."

"You won't. I promise. I'll be alright, you can go."

"Alright." He stood up, "I'll have to leave immediately I'm afraid."

"Be safe!"

"You too."

He did leave immediately and when the front door closed I began to cry suddenly overwhelmed with loneliness.

* * *

><p>I had been raped. I had become a slave. I had been used, treated like something inanimate, something that had no rights and no feelings.<p>

I had lost myself.

When Severus came back hours later I hadn't moved from the spot. I had just sat there thinking and remembering and searching.

There had been a moment. Being trapped inside one room for 48 hours I couldn't exactly say when that moment had been, but I was sure it was after the fourth or fifth time when Lucius Malfoy had raped me.

In that moment I had let go of everything. I had forgotten about my parents, all my memories of Hogwarts, of Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hagrid, Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagell, Victor Krum, Severus...

My life had vanished from me and I had become a slave, an object. And I just didn't know how to find myself again and kept going back to that moment, trying to explain to myself and at the time trying to understand what had happened, how it had happened, so I could undo it again.

"You were right." I said as he sat down next to me, "You were right with what you said. I shouldn't have gone. I should have listened to you."

"I think you were right." He spoke quietly, "Ginny needed this badly. I could watch the light come back into her eyes and what you said about hope you were right about this. I think by what you did you may have saved Ginnys life."

My next words were a whisper,

"But I feel like I've lost mine. I don't know who I am anymore." I tried to explain the moment to him, when I had ceased to be Hermione Granger, "I would like to be my old self again." I ended, "But I'm still trying to find it."

He surprised me then: Severus leaned in and took my hand in his, squeezing it gently, "I will help you with that task, you're not in this alone."

"Thank you." I leaned against his shoulder and we sat there in silence until it was time to go to bed.

As it was usually the case I awoke in the middle of the night from a bad dream and made my way over to his room.

And as it was usually the case he had been expecting me and merely lifted his blanket so I could climb under them. I leaned against him and breathed in his smell of herbs, after shave and yes I dared say of home.

* * *

><p>Yay, Draco is a good guy! Is anyone else happy about this? Tell me what you think ;-) Oh and by the way did anyone notice the Taylor Swift qoute I dropped in here? :D<p> 


	8. 8

Hey Guys! Thank you for your reviews! And for those who were wondering "I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it" is a quote from Taylor Swifts "All too Well." It's a true sad song, you should check it out.

* * *

><p>I was very grateful for his help. He held me when I cried, he spoke to me normally and made jokes and just turned this house into my home.<p>

I knew my words had hurt him and that he wanted to help me and then after just five days we finally seemed to have some luck.

Voldemort had decided to go on holiday with his most loyal deatheaters. He did however mention he had an absolute understanding, if masters could not leave, because they were so busy with their slaves.

They would however miss out on a lot of fun. He wanted to go to the United States and "play" with their government.

Serverus could not leave his slave alone for a whole week, he claimed he had no way to be sure I wouldn't run away or starve myself to death. When some of his friends offered to "look after" me he said no, because he didn't want to risk anything, he didn't want to share his slave with other men. Lucius was an exception because he had known him so long.

"Do you know what this means?!" He had asked excitedly that morning at breakfast, "You can leave the house! Do something normal!"

"What if it's a trick?"

He shook his head, "It's not. The Dark Lord and many other deatheaters have left England. We can spend the entire day in muggle-London."

Somehow I couldn't bring up as much enthusiasm as he did.

"If…if you want to that is. We can just stay in the house all day as we usually do."

I had to laugh, a very small laugh, but laughter it was nonetheless,

"Yeah, ok. Let's go to Muggle-London." I sighed then, "But you know I have no money, right?"

"Of course, you're my slave after all." He said it in a light slightly joking way and a question appeared in my mind.

"Did you…did you buy me? I mean did you have to pay money for me?"

Severus sighed, his excitement and good mood had vanished.

"Yes. I had to give the Dark Lord some money."

"How much?"

"Your prize was higher than the others, but…not high enough." He lifted his shoulders, "There is no perfect price for a human being. It's just…" He shook his head, "It's a terrible matter."

The strange thing in this whole situation was that he, even though he was the master – was miserable as well. It wasn't a position he was in gladly.

So I decided to actually try. A day without crying. A day full of normal things, a day of fun. I trusted him with my life and it wasn't just because I had no choice in the matter any more. It was deeper than that, I knew if he said it was safe to go outside – then it was.

As if he had read my thoughts he suddenly spoke:

"If anyone does spot us I'll explain it's my way of tutoring you: Making you feel safe in my presence and then destroying that safety again."

I nodded, but secretly wondered how long that excuse would work. After breakfast I had a shower and got changed into a nice red summer dress.

Today would be good.

We really did go to Muggle-London: We even took the bus there.

It was an amazing feeling to be outside, to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.

"So." He said once we had reached the large shopping mile I remembered from my time before Hogwarts, "Is there any place you specifically want to go to?"

When I smiled up at him I felt a real and genuine feeling of happiness rise up in me,

"Can we go to a bookstore?"

Severus answered with a grin, "Sure, let's go."

Finally I didn't think of what had happened in the Malfoy Manor. Finally I could escape and try to slip back into my old life.

There were just so many books I wanted to read! So many novels, so many comics, so many school books…

I had just started the first chapter of a romance novel where for some reason the couple had both lost their memories and yet somehow managed to be in each others lives…

"If you want I can leave." Serverus whispered behind me, "I can wait outside or in the store next door and you can have a taste of absolute freedom."

I shook my head immediately, "No, please stay. I would be terrified without you."

My words surprised him I could see that in his face, but he caught himself rather quickly again.

"Alright. I'll be around."

We were in that bookstore for over an hour.

In the end he bought himself one cooking book – the muggle potions-book he liked to call it and a historical novel.

After ensuring me there was absolutely no limit he bought me the romance novel, a French exercise book – I was desperate to do some learning -, some sort of fantasy book, where the main character was a witch, a diary, a red fountain pen and a historical novel.

He insisted for me not to go to the cashpoint with him, so I wouldn't know how much he had paid.

Then he insisted on carrying the bags.

"Where to now?" He didn't seem tired or impatient at all.

There wouldn't be a lot of other opportunities for me to shop for my own clothes so we started to do that next.

He waited patiently as I browsed through the store. Blue jeans, black jogging trousers, a red jumper, two tops – one grey and one blue - , a green T-shirt, a purple T-shirt, a black skirt, a black jacket and a blue shirt.

Everything fitted immediately and I knew at the first glance that I wanted to buy all these items. But the one I had been especially found of – the blue shirt – looked terrible.

"Urgh!" I muttered, "Damnit!"

"What is it?" Severus asked from outside of the changing booth

"A hideous color!" I rolled my eyes and opened the curtain, so he could see for himself.

"Hold on just a second." He left the book-bag on the floor and returned moments later with the same shirt in brown.

"Try this one."

I knew I had more than enough cloths already, but I didn't care. I tried it on expecting it to look silly as well, but was very astonished to find it looking very nice.

"And?"

I opened the curtain and looked up at him in surprise.

A small smile appeared on his lips,

"It looks like I do have a fashion-sense after all."

"Yeah, thanks."

It was the same as in the bookstore. When I wanted to put some items away stating it was too much he shook his head and took it all to the cash-point.

I wondered if the people behind the counters wouldn't about this and then I got scared word could get back to the death eaters.

That's when I realised I was beginning to get paranoid.

"There you go, Mr. Turner."

I frowned and once we are outside on the busy street again I asked,

"Who is Mr. Turner?"

"I'll explain at home. Would you like to eat some lunch?"

I nodded gratefully, I was so hungry.

He took me to an amazing restaurant, which was at the top of a building over looking London. I went to a free table at the window immediately and looked out at the city.

I hadn't felt so free for a long time.

Since Mr. Turner had so much money we went crazy and ordered all kind of food from the menu:

Chicken Soup, Mushroom Ravioli, Spring Rolls, Ceaser Salad, Hamburgers, Chips, Fish…

Of course we did not eat all of it and maybe I would have cared about something like that in another life-time, but not in that moment.

We did not eat desert there, but went to an ice-cream parlour instead. And there we discovered a common interest:

Vanilla ice-cream with sprinkles.

"It's the best invention man-kind has ever come up with!"

I nodded in agreement, "It's much better than cars or electricity."

"It's even better than running water."

"Or toilettes."

I still wanted to buy some underwear and he didn't leave the store, but didn't linger either. Then I decided it was time to buy him some new clothes and against all of his protests I brought him all sorts of colourful shirts:

Navy blue, dark blue, green, grey, red and yellow.

And in the end he really did buy a navy blue shirt and a red one.

We came out of the store laughing and when it began to rain he suddenly said:

"Let's go and see what is on in the cinema."

The Parent Trap was on. It was a children's film but I was seriously afraid of watching anything brutal so we settled on that one. He bought us popcorn and drinks and it was a relief to be able to sit down in the comfortable seats and relax.

The film hadn't begun yet, the lights were still on and I moved closer to him,

"I don't want to ruin this day." I whispered, "But do you know what is going to happen with Ginny while…he's away?"

He nodded causiously, "He said he will finally give into his sons pleading and let him "have his way with her." He reached for the popcorn I held in my hands, "But after what you've told me about Draco that is probably the best thing that could happen to her."

These news relieved me even more than taking a break did.

"Are we going home after this?" I asked quietly, "I'm really tired."

He nodded with a small smile.

It was so good to escape our world, our problems for two hours and the film had everything I needed: It was funny, honest and had a happy ending.

When we came out of the cinema, Severus shook his head,

"What a stupid ideal world these films sell."

"You liked it, I heard you laugh."

"I was coughing."

"Right, how could I mix those two noises up?"

"Well it was very loud in there."

Smiling I walked into the direction of the bus-stop, from whereon we would be able to drive home, when he stopped me, holding my arm gently.

"No, let's go to a different stop."

"But this one takes us home."

A small appeared on his lips, "Maybe we're not going home."

"But you sa-"

"Believe me, Hermione. You want to come with me."

* * *

><p>Any ideas of where he's taking her? :)<p> 


	9. 9

**Thank you for your reviews, enjoy!**

* * *

><p>We got of the bus after three stops. I didn't know where we were, but Severus seemed to have no problems at all. He led me to a building with many flats, and after pressing "Janice and Steven Johnson"'s-bell we went inside into the first floor.<p>

"Who are these people?"

I didn't mean to be ungrateful, but I did not feel like meeting new people. Today had been perfect, but I wasn't used to all of this and I needed a break.

I wanted to go home.

But Severus just smiled,

"You'll see."

I felt like telling him of, because I really wasn't in the mood for this, but then the door opened and an old man said,

"Aye, Severus. What's this?! I believe I told you to bring pizza, next time you visit!"

I expected some kind of answer, but he merely pushed himself past the old man and into the flat. I followed shyly.

"Tonks, really?" He sneered once the door was closed.

"Aye Mate! I asked for pizza!"

My heart seemed to stop, as Severus rolled his eyes.

"Did you just say Tonks?" I whispered and he smiled.

Indeed the old man turned into the young pink-haired woman I knew. Tears were in my eyes immediately and I flung myself into her arms.

"Wotcher Hermione!" She greeted happily, "How are you?"

Before I could answer I heard another familiar voice cry,

"Oh, there she is!"

Molly Weasley stepped over to me and pulled me into her arms. That's when I really started to cry.

When we parted I wiped my eyes and saw Arthur Weasley, Remus Lupin, Tonks and Professor McGonagall, who waved at me.

"Welcome to a meeting of the Order of Phoenix." Severus said, "We're not a lot, but we're here."

They looked as they always did: Molly had lost some weight, but still had her rounded figure, Arthurs face had grown older as had Remus'. Tonks was as cheerful as ever and McGonagall hadn't changed in the slightest. She was even wearing Gryffindor-robes.

I hugged them all and fought back my tears.

"But…how…"

"Take a seat, dear." Molly smiled, pushing me into a soft leather couch.

"I sneak around a lot due to being a Metamorphmagus." Tonks beamed, "But most of the time I'm at home with Teddy." She handed me a photograph of a small chubby laughing blonde little boy.

"He's beautiful." I whispered, before giving it back to her.

"I am speaking to some werewolves, who live underground and hate Greyback and want to get back at him." Remus smiled grimly, "It's not a very nice job, because these people are very bitter and full of hatred, but it's my part."

"We live as muggles." Arthur explained, "My name is Steven and this is my wife Janice." Molly giggled next to him, "We are young students and work part-time, I'm a waitress and Steven works in a bookstore."

Arthur nodded, "We are hiding as muggles and also get a lot of information by just listening in on conversations."

"Severus has provided us with a lot of poly-juice-potion."

"But…the muggles, the real Steven and Janice?" I asked nervously.

"It went very quickly." Arthur spoke quietly, "We had to do it, Hermione. It is not something we did easily and it is not something we are proud of."

"They felt no pain." Molly had tears in her eyes and I felt terrible for asking this question.

"I work at Hogwarts." Professor McGonagall pushed up the sleeve of her robes and an ugly dark mark appeared before us, "Severus has taught me Occlumens secretly for some years now and I try to help the students as well as I can."

They all turned to Severus, who smiled at me,

"Well, you know what I do."

"Yeah, but _who_ is Mr. Turner?"

This question made him uncomfortable,

"He was a very rich and very old muggle. When he passed away a few months ago I faked some IDs and pretended to be his long-lost son." He shrugged his shoulder, "With the fake identification I inherited a lot of very real money."

I wasn't sure if Mr. Turner really had passed away, but I didn't want to know.

"What you did for our Ginny, Hermione…" Molly was crying again, as she shook her head, "We could never thank you enough."

"Alright" Severus clapped his hands, "I'm going for a smoke."

I frowned, "You don't smoke."

His answer was followed by a grin, "Take a hint, Hermione."

"Oh."

He left and in that moment just for a second I felt afraid. I wasn't used to being without him. Severus was the one, as he had said so many times, to protect me.

They all looked at me, big smiles in their faces, eyebrows raised expectantly and I sighed, the next words not leaving my mouth as easily as I wished.

"I…I don't want to talk about what happened at the Malfoy Manor."

"How is he treating you, dear?" Professor McGonagall asked, "Severus, he can be very bitter can't he?"

"Are you very lonely?" Molly added, "He's not much of a talker is he?"

Tonks rolled her eyes at this and Remus nodded. Arthur looked worried.

"It's…surprisingly nice actually. He takes care of me and we _do_ talk a lot." I pointed to the shopping bags on the floor, "Ninety-five percent of that belongs to me. He can be very funny at some times and he cooks well. Sometimes we cook together or we watch Tv. I have my own room and my own bathroom attached right to it. He always knocks on the door and waits for my reply before he enters my room. He makes me feel safe and at home in a way. Every time he leaves for a meeting I feel lonely and afraid and when he comes back I'm always relieved and happy, because I…I worry for him as well. Sometimes when he looks at me, it's like I'm myself again. The girl I was before Harrys death and the one before the Malfoy Manor. He helps me deal with everything and I help him too- I think. He has become important to me, a friend. We can joke around and be silly or we can have serious conversations. He has very dark eyes, but there's something inside them that I can't explain some kind of brightness that makes me just…_know_ somehow no matter what happens, everything will be ok."

It was obvious that these were not the answers they had expected and I blushed deeply. Not sure what had just happened there, where all those words had come from.

"Well." Tonks finally broke the silence with a grin, "We can quit worrying about you then."

Everyone laughed and I laughed too, relieved.

"I have to say." Arthur spoke, as he sat down next to me, "Life as a muggle has it's perks, right Molly?"

Molly was in the kitchen and the smell of food wavered over to us all.

"Yes, but having a wand beats it by a long run."

"The cars and the trains!" Arthur sounded very excited, "And the clothes! They really have thought of a lot of things haven't they?!"

I smiled slightly at his enthusiasm, "Yes." I looked at Remus and Tonks, "Do you still have a wand?"

Remus nodded, "But we only use it in emergencies so no one can see us. We need it to protect Teddy."

I turned to Professor McGonagall,

"Are any of my friends still at Hogwarts?"

A sad look appeared in her eyes, "Miss Brown and Mr. Longbottom and Mr. Macmillan. Those are three students you know who are trying to fight against the rulers of Hogwarts. There are a few more you will remember, but they like the new system."

My heart sank at her words. Poor Neville…

"But there are many pure-bloods raised differently, they meet up secretly as Dumbledores army." A smile appeared on her face, "They are fighting also."

Everyone seemed to be fighting. Except for me.

Molly cooked us some soup and Remus went downstairs to get Severus. Once he was back I felt relaxed again.

We ate dinner and talked about happy things. About what it was like living in the muggle world, what it was like for Molly – Janice – to study law. She didn't like it very much.

We did not speak of those missing. Of Harry, of Ron or the other Weasley children. I did tell them of Draco though and they were all obviously surprised.

"He just talked." I explained, "He sat down in front of me and talked. He's devastated that Harry is dead and is afraid. He hates this new life just as much as we do and can't stand to be in Hogwarts."

I didn't tell them how he had cried and begged me for forgiveness.

"He could help in Hogwarts!" Arthur spoke excitedly, "He must have a lot of information!"

"I think he's not strong enough for that."

"His mother is an alcoholic." I continued, "She's jealous because Lucius isn't interested in her any more and now she just drinks all day. He tries to take care of her and hates his father."

"Oh by the way Minerva." Severus sounded amused, "I believe you still owe me some money."

Professor McGonagall glared at him, "I believe the bet is off, Severus."

"Oh come on, we've had it going for seven years now. You always said Draco was just like his father and I said he'll change and be better. I absolutely one."

She was not happy about it, but did stand up to look for her purse. It was Remus, who then broke the silence and made the conversation into a more serious one again:

"It won't last." His voice was secure, "There aren't enough pure-bloods around, they'll be outnumbered."

Severus face grew pale at these words and I began to feel sick.

"Do you still want some soup, dear?" Molly asked friendly.

I shook my head, "Mr. Turner bought us a splendid meal today, I couldn't eat one more bite."

This answered satisfied her and I stared at Severus, he shook his head very slowly, closing his eyes. I wasn't supposed to ask him now, but I didn't know how I was supposed to sit through this dinner. My hands were sweaty clenching and unclenching under the table.

Finally the evening began to come to its end. Molly and Arthur still had some homework to do and had to go to university early tomorrow.

"I'm thinking of you constantly." Molly whispered, as she pulled me against her.

"Don't worry about me." I whispered back.

Arthur hugged me tightly as well, "Stay strong."

"You too."

When Tonks hugged me she cheerfully cried,

"Come visit us again soon!"

Remus muttered, "Take care of yourself."

"I will. Say hi to Teddy."

A small smile appeared on his face, "I will."

"You're still my best student." Professor McGonagall smiled, as she hugged me gently, "I can't wait for you to return."

I smiled, "Me neither."

The minute we were outside in the cold I asked,

"Why did you grow so pale, when Remus said that about the pureblood being outnumbered?"

A sigh escaped his lips, "I thought you might have had this idea yourself, given that brilliant brain of yours."

We crossed the busy London-street to get to the other bus stop.

"Ginny is a pureblood." He eventually said, "The more children she bears to Lucius – the better."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Don't." He took my arm in his hand, "You can't let this get to you too much. Learn to be selfish, otherwise you won't make it far at all in this life."

I shook my head at his words, but I knew he was right. I leaned against him and he held me. We didn't speak and when we got onto the bus we were silent also.

He was right and I knew it. I had to be able to step back from Ginnys destiny emotionally. It would break me otherwise.

* * *

><p><strong>Thumbs up for the Order, right?! <strong>


	10. 10

The next morning I went outside in Severus' garden. I was lying on a blanket reading my new romance-novel.

I was wearing the brown jumper he had picked out for me and blue jeans. Last night I had slept well, there had been no nightmares, no screaming or crying.

Severus came down at noon he took a cup of coffee with him and sat down on the blanket next to me.

"Did you sleep well?"

"No." He blew at his coffee, "But you did?"

I nodded smiling.

"That's good to hear."

"Did you have nightmares?" I asked carefully wondering what his nightmares were about.

"No. I just couldn't fall asleep."

"Yesterday was perfect, thank you for it."

"There's no need to say thanks." He spoke honestly, "It was perfect for me too." After taking a sip of his coffee, he nodded at the book in my hands, "Is that any good?"

"I think it is. You won't like it though."

"How come?"

I had to laugh, "Well it's a tragic love story. I don't think it's your thing."

He snorted "You'd be surprised. When you're through with it I'll give it a try, ok?"

"Ok." I grinned before closing the book on my lap, "Severus…I want to help."

He glared at me, holding the mug of coffee in front of his face, "Do you, now?"

"Not like…I don't know if I can ever go back to Malfoy again, but…" I paused and he didn't comment, "Maybe I could help you brew some polyjuice-potion or something?"

Severus raised his eyebrows, "You know how to brew a poly-juice-potion?"

I blushed, "Please don't make me say it."

"I remember a few years back supplies were stolen from my cupboard…"

"You know I _always_ wanted to apologize for that."

"Twelve-year- olds brewing Poly-juice-potions…" He shook his head, "It was ridiculous, but I knew it was you."

"We thought Malfoy was the heir of Slytherin!" I cried out, "We had to find out if it was true!"

"And you turned into a cat if I'm not mistaken."

I blushed even deeper, "Yes, that went horribly wrong…"

"That sounds more like a twelve-year-old." He was laughing and I joined in.

"But it worked! Harry and Ron turned into Crabbe and Goyle!"

"And that is very impressive!" He chuckled, "It was stealing nonetheless."

"I really was sorry."

"Was?" He repeated with a grin and I shrugged my shoulders

"At some point I just forgot about it."

"I think I should give you detention for that."

I rolled my eyes, "I would like to see you try!" But then I turned serious again, "So…can I help? With the potions?"

"Sure." He lied down on the blanket and closed his eyes, the empty mug still in his hands, "But not now."

"No." I smiled, opening my book, "Not now."

We spent the whole day outside. I got halfway through my novel and he started his historical one. We were sprawled out on the blanket and I enjoyed lying so close to him. It felt nice and safe.

The book was called "We'll meet at midnight" and was written by an "L.M.D". The couple Mathew and Dana were secretly together and always met up at midnight at Big Ben. Then they lost their memories and he was working at the small café she stopped by daily. She was engaged to a terrible man called Carl and Matthew was "searching for something" at least that is what he told his co-workers.

In the beginning of each chapter there were flashbacks, telling the reader the couples story. It was actually a very emotional depressing book, because they were so close and yet so far away and yet lying in the sun, next to Severus and listening to the birds singing I felt comfortable, not at all sad.

But at some point we went down into the cellar, where his potions lab was. We cut roots, stirred mixtures and what was rather disturbing: He had a box full of Steves hair and one with Janices hair as well.

All the while we listened to music and laughed, teasing each other. At some point he sighed and said,

"I miss Hogwarts."

"Me too." I agreed, "But…I don't know if I can go back there, like this. As your slave."

"We've still got time to think about that. There's no hurry."

I looked up and smiled. We. We were making this decision.

As the day came to an end I was to finish the potion we had started and clean up the lab and he would begin to cook our dinner.

I hurried up so I could still help him prepare our meal and as I entered the kitchen I heard his voice. I gasped and stopped dead in my tracks. Had someone come over? My body froze, had Lucius come over?

"I don't now how to tell you this Hermione…no…" He took a deep breath, "This may come as a shock to you, no. I've got something to tell you and it might…no! Damnit!"

He sounded like he was talking to himself, like he was practicing…

"What do you need to tell me?" I walked into the kitchen, my body tense, worried, "Did something happen?! Is something wrong with Ginny?! Oh Merlin, it's Ginny, isn't it? Is she pregnant? Is she _dead_?!"

"No." He turned the stove of and turned around to me, "No it's not that. Ginny's fine."

"Then what it is?" I was growing more nervous by the second, "Is it something to do with Lucius? Do I need to go there again?!"

"No." Severus stepped forward, "No, it's not that. It's…" He took a deep shuddering breath, "It's just…I think I'm in love with you."

* * *

><p>Whaaaaaaaaat? I know, right? :) review please!<p> 


	11. 11

**SPOV**

_Thank you for your reviews!_

(A/N: I normally really hate it when the POV is always changed in stories, but I love writing out of Snape's point of view! I don't know why and I'm sorry if it annoys you, this will probably be the last one! Enjoy!)

* * *

><p>Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!<p>

How could one man possibly be _so_ stupid?!

Yes I had messed it up with Lily, because I hadn't told her my feelings, but there was no one around to take Hermione away from me and the poor girl was absolutely overstrained with my emotional outburst.

But what should I have done? My feelings were killing me I had been awake all night thinking about her and whenever I was close to her she was still miles away, because she wasn't mine as I wanted her to be.

Stupid!

I had seen the shock on her face. Her beautiful big brown eyes had widened even more and she had stared at me, her red lips parting slightly.

"What?!"

"I just…I can't stop thinking about you, you mean so much to me and I…want to be with you all the time, that's why I can't sleep, because I miss you when you're not near me and I miss you when you are near, because even then you are still so far away."

Her shock had stayed, her mouth opening even wider, but no words left her mouth. I stared at her too and finally after what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a few minutes long she finally asked:

"Does that mean…you want to sleep with me?"

And of course stupid as I was I said yes. She turned around, went into her room and that was four days ago and I haven't spoken to her since.

What was I supposed to say to her?

I missed her. We hadn't eaten or cooked together in those four days. When I knocked on her door to tell her dinner was ready she didn't answer and she didn't come down.

And who knew?

Perhaps she was right after all.

Perhaps I was a coward.

I knew I ought to speak to her and I did know what to say.

I just didn't dare myself to do so.

Her romance-novel _We'll meet at Midnight_ lay on the couch table as if it were mocking me, reminding me of my situation.

On the fifth day it was time to speak to her, because Aurelia was coming for a visit and Hermione needed to pretend to be my slave.

So I knocked on her door and stepped inside. She was lying on her bed, working with the French books.

"We have a guest coming over." I said coolly, although I did not mean to sound cold, "It would be best if you stayed in your room."

"Ok." She didn't look at me, "It's not Malfoy is it?"

"No!" What was she thinking, "Of course not!"

"Good." She returned her attention back to her studies.

I stood in the doorway, not sure what to do, wanting to say something but not being able to.

So I left and tidied up the house. There wasn't much to do and at some point I found myself reading _We'll meet at Midnight_ and a few hours later I wanted to throw it in a corner. What a terrible depressing book! People searching for each other, being close to one another but not being able to be together.

What a load of bullocks!

I was relieved when Aurelia rang the doorbell and hid that piece of garbish under the couch cushions.

"Severus, my dear!" She cried out, kissing me on both of my cheeks.

I wouldn't know how to put it any better: I was Aurelias first true love. We had been together in our early twenties, after Lilys death, and she while she wasn't a deatheater she sure was a fan of Voldemort.

Aurelia wasn't my first true love. At least not in that sense. She was more dependent on these meetings then I was.

"How have you been?!" She left herself fall into the armchair Hermione usually sat in and lit a cigarette.

"Great. I've had a lot to do thou."

"With that mudblood of yours?" She blew out some smoke, "I'm sure all the Sex is tiring!" She rolled her eyes.

"It's not just sex." I lied easily, sitting down, feeling _We'll Meet At Midnight_ press against my back "I need to train her, make sure she is dependent on me alone, I need to make sure she has no will left to live…the Dark Lord has high expectations."

She leaned forward, "And yet you have never disappointed him. That is quite impressive, Severus."

Aurelia was a beautiful woman: Tall with wide hips and big breasts, dark curly hair and large blue eyes.

But she was not the woman I wanted. After her divorce it had become custom that she came over some times and we had Sex.

"I visited Lucius yesterday." She said with a grin.

"Oh, really?"

They knew each other fleetingly.

"Does that make you jealous?" She leaned forward, exposing her cleavage in an obvious way.

"No." My answer was an honest one, "I'm just surprised Lucius met up with you in the first place, I can't imagine Narcissa liking that idea."

She waved her hand dismissively, "She was so drunk I don't think she realised I was there in the first place!" She laughed loudly, "He showed me his slave, what a pitiful little creature that was! But right at the place she belongs to!" She blew smoke in my face before leaning back, "You've got that mudblood, am I correct? Harry Potters girl?"

She was _not_ Harry Potters girl.

"Yes."

But she wasn't my girl either…

Aurelias eyes lit up, "Can I see her?"

"No." My tone was final, "I don't think that is appropriate."

This made her laugh once more, "Oh Severus, you've also been like that. Separating your working and your private life! I never got to see your chambers in Hogwarts!"

"They weren't all that special."

It wasn't just my working and private life I was separating. It was my normal and my spy life. My dark life.

She had finished her cigarette and sat down on the couch next to me, leaning against me.

"I'm so glad we're still friends after all this time." She put her hand on my knee, sliding it up and down my leg, "You can't imagine how much you mean to me."

I leaned in to kiss her. All this time I had enjoyed these meetings but not now. This was something I was forcing myself to do.

We walked up the stairs, taking of our clothes and still kissing. She had been in this house many times, she knew where to go.

Once in the bedroom I tried to rid all of my thoughts of Hermione and what she was doing and tried to relax concentrating on Aurelia.

But that didn't work.

I had no time feeling at all, but she was very patient, until she rolled of me onto her back, lighting another cigarette,

"Well. This is new."

"I'm so sorry." I sat up, "I don't know what's wrong, this has honestly never happened before." I rubbed my forehead sighing, "It's not you, really."

"It is." She blew out some smoke, "You're in love with another girl, Severus. It's that simple."

My heart seemed to stop in my chest.

"That's not true! I ju-"

"Don't Severus, it's alright. You and I aren't doing this out of love and that's fine by me, but if there is another girl you should tell her, believe me the sex is better."

I buried my head in my face, sighing once more.

Aurelias untypical soft touch made me looked up. Her hand gripped my arm,

"It's funny, even death eaters, even the most loyal to the dark Lord cannot escape love. It changes you, Severus, there's no way around it."

I knew that. That was also a reason why I had never married.

"I think I should go. Please do tell me how this story ends." She sounded highly amused.

"I really am sorry."

"Don't be." She began to put on her clothes once more and I did the same when there was suddenly a loud aggressive knocking on the front door downstairs.

I frowned, sliding on my black trousers, I slipped into my white shirt, not bothering to close the buttons.

Aurelia followed me, hesitantly, but curiously. I had no idea, who it was. People rarely visited me without making out a date first. I sincerely hoped it wasn't Malfoy, but if Aurelia had seen him yesterday he would know I was going to be busy with her today.

It was a death-eater. A tall man with a semi-bolded head and terrible, evil eyes. I had never associated with him much.

Next to him stood a shaking Hermione, his hand was lost in her hair, pulling at it painfully.

"Severus, is this yours?"

What on earth had she been doing outside?!

And how on earth had I not noticed her leave?

"Yes." I sneered, not having to fake my anger, "Thank you for bringing her back."

"Anytime." He grinned toothlessly and threw her on the floor.

"Oh, Sev." Aurelia grinned, "She's pretty."

"Yes." The death-eater agreed, eying her greedily, "She is."

"She is mine!" I snapped, "Thank you for bringing her back, though I would have gotten her back myself."

Aurelia began to laugh, "Oh dear, you have also been so possessive, that's sexy."

"You should leave now, I need to punish my slave."

"I would like to see that!" Aurelia giggeled.

"So would I."

"There's nothing to see." I shrugged my shoulders, "I will just lock her up and let her starve."

They both looked severely disappointed and I not for the first time doubted the human race.

"Goodbye Severus." Aurelia said with a smile, "I will talk to you soon."

The death-eater nodded and when they both left. Hermione stood up shakily,

"I'm so-"

"Shut up." I grabbed her arm rather harshly and pulled her up the stairs to her room, "I don't want to hear it."

I pushed her into her room, taking the key out from the inside.

"Well what do you expect?!" She snapped, angry now, "You tell me you're in love with me and then invite a woman over here?! And I was just supposed to sit here and listen to the two of you have sex?!"

I spun around to her, "Yes, that is what I expect. I expect you to use your brain and stop bringing yourself in danger! You have no right to be upset, you didn't answer, so we're not together are we?!"

She gasped, "I…eh…"

"Exactly!" I growled, "You have nothing to say, so you have no right to accuse me of anything. We're not together; I can do what I want!"

I slammed the door and locked it from the outside.

* * *

><p>She hadn't wanted to eat any dinner. I had knocked from the outside and opened the door. She had been sitting on the bed and wasn't facing me.<p>

"I cooked."

"I'm not hungry."

Sighing I stepped inside, putting it on her desk, "I'll just leave it here for you."

"Don't bother." Her voice shook.

"I'm not locking you up, because I want to treat you like a slave. I'm doing it, because I do not trust you and want to keep you safe."

With that I left her room and closed the door, locking it from the outside.

We were both right. I shouldn't have let Aurelia come here, parading her in front of Hermione, but Hermione had no right to be upset.

We weren't in a relationship - it was that simple.

I went to bed early that night, hoping to get some sleep, hoping to be able to fall asleep and not just lie around in my bed hopelessly waiting for my mind to finally quiet down.

One of us would have to apologise and after telling her to shut up, locking her up and snapping at her it seemed like I would have to be the one to do it first.

But would she never understand? Would she just continue to throw herself into danger deliberately?

Wasn't it perhaps better to in that sense "raise", even if it meant to hurt her?

But I didn't _want_ to hurt her, I didn't want to raise my voice or lock her up…

These thoughts haunted me until I drifted into a restless sleep. Hermiones loud piercing scream woke me up hours later.

"Get me out!" She cried beating at the door, "Please get me out!"

I could hear her sobbing and fumbled for the key. What on earth was going on? I thought of that death-eater, who had brought her back. So unimportant I didn't even know his name…I could imagine him, sneaking into her room and decided then who ever it was in her room, be it the dark Lord himself, I was going to kill him.

My wand at the ready I ripped the door open and hurried inside the room, just as she rushed out of it.

The light was on, but there was nobody in here.

"What the…"

"There's a spider." She sobbed silently, "It's really big."

I almost dropped my wand in astonishment and turned around on her,

"You must be joking."

She shook her head vehemently and was obviously very upset, tears running down her face, her body shaking.

To be fair, the spider was unusually large, I had to get a the largest jar I owned, but managed to get it inside and then closed the lid.

"After all you've been through…a spider makes you break down?" She didn't think this was in any way amusing and I turned around to her,

"Look." I spoke softly, showing her the jar, "The poor thing is more afraid than you are."

Indeed the large creature was shaking in the jar.

"I'll let you out tomorrow." I spoke softer now, "You poor little thing, you just got lost and suddenly you're stuck in a jar." I yawned and set it on the floor, "Not to mention that you just wanted a good nights sleep and are woken by persistent screaming."

When I turned around I saw Hermione had stopped crying and was fixating me with a smile.

"What?" I asked, feeling embarrassed for speaking to the spider.

"I…I think I'm in love with you too." Her voice shook again, but different than before.

Immediately I stepped towards her and kissed her.

* * *

><p>I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hoped you enjoyed reading it. Tell me what you think!<p> 


	12. 12

Thank you so much for your reviews!

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

My dears, I have decided to become a weekly updater. So I will see you next Saturday!

* * *

><p>That night had been the beginning for us. I slept in his bed, he had his arm around me and his cheek rested against my head.<p>

I had slept in his bed before, due to my nightmares. But we had never kissed before. So at first it was kind of awkward:

He had his arms on my waist and my hands were in his hair. He had pulled me close, kissing me deeply and I didn't push him away. We walked while we kissed and when I felt his bed pressing at the back of my knees I stopped the kissing.

"I'm sorry." He gasped, "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You didn't." I felt embarrassed by my next words, "Your bed did."

He blushed, stepping back, "Well…uh…would you like to sleep in your own room?"

I thought about these words and finally shook my head.

"Can I sleep here? Without…you know…"

"Sex." He said casually, but he ran his fingers through his hair nervously, "Yeah you can sleep here."

So that's how we ended up in bed together. I was very tired due to the events of the day. Running away in a stupid, jealous, emotional moment and being caught by that awful man who pulled me back to Severus house.

But at the same time I was so exhilarated, so awake. I felt like I would never sleep again and he seemed to feel the same.

So we began to talk.

The darkness of the night, for not even the moon shined, helped us speak openly of our feelings.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, "I overreacted."

"I should have sent her away." His lips moved just the slightest against my temple, "I am sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."

"You had every right to. I brought us both in danger today."

He sighed, but not in a way that made him sound like he was tired, it was more of a relieved sigh.

"Lets just both take the blame, after all I was the one to push you over the edge."

"So…" I began carefully, "Who was that woman?"

Severus told me how he had first met Aurelia at Hogwarts, but had never shown so much interest in her, because of Lily.

He told me of their relationship after Lilys death and their break-up, due to his emotionlessness.

"I just didn't love her." He confessed in the darkness, "We hung out with Lucius and Naricissa a lot and you could just see the differences so clearly. I never really listened to what she had to say, I had to be reminded to plan her in our nightly activities…I didn't try. After Lucius and Narcissas wedding she had enough because I still hadn't proposed to her. She married some bloke from school, I can't even remember his name."

He told me of how her marriage had ended eventually and then they had begun to meet up.

"For sex." I spoke quietly.

"Yes."

"Just sex? Without any feelings?"

"Not from my side. I mean…I do not hate this woman, I actually do enjoy her company sometimes, but I do not love her the way she thinks she loves me."

The next question left my lips only because darkness surrounded us completely and because there was no other choice I needed answers to these questions and it wasn't like I had a girlfriend I could ask.

Severus was the only one I could talk to, so I had no choice but to be honest and direct with him from the very beginning.

"How much sex do you need?"

Under different circumstances this may have been an amusing question, but it wasn't in this situation.

His sigh was a defeated one now.

"I should not have answered your questions."

I knew which one he meant. The one I had asked him, whether his feelings for me meant he had a desire to sleep with me or not.

And he had said yes.

"I…what you experienced at the Malfoy Manor" My body went rigid at his words I hadn't expected him to speak of this topic so openly, "That wasn't sex. Some people think it is, some men think it's all about satisfying their needs and desires and to some point it is, but…" Another sigh escaped his lips, as he searched for the right words, "I want to sleep with you, because in addition to my own needs I want you to be fully content and happy. By making you happy I can show you how much you mean to me. Does that make any sense?"

I nodded, but couldn't bring myself to tell him that I couldn't imagine feeling happy or content while having sex.

"Some people see it differently." He continued, "Some men just want to satisfy their own needs, like I did with Aurelia and some men are highly disturbed, like Malfoy and go further than not caring if the other is satisfied but taking in the others pain to satisfy their own needs."

"I think you should continue meeting Aurelia and…satisfy your needs." I blushed deeply, "I'm not sure I will be able to…help you."

For some reason that was amusing to him and he began to laugh softly, burying his face in my hair, but not telling me the reason why.

I didn't mind, because I knew he wasn't laughing at me and just inhaled his scent deeply. His smell of herbs and soap was what home smelled to me now.

"Hermione." His change of tone caused me to look up. He was suddenly so serious and even a bit insecure, "There's something I've been wanting to tell you and I know I could have, _should_ have done it earlier, but I didn't and well…we are together now, right?"

In away it was funny how secure he had said that we _weren't_ together, but this question had so much difficulty to leave his lips.

I leaned up to kiss him,

"Yes." I muttered, feeling the power of that one word fill me up, because there was so much lying inside of it.

Severus moved away from me and I realized he had been in the middle of telling me something.

He took a deep shuddering breath,

"I…I was raped when I was 14 years old."

I couldn't help but gasp. I had never heard a man say he had been raped, least of all Severus.

"By a Professor at Hogwarts."

I began to feel sick. A Professor at my beloved school raping students? The beloved school I had attended for years? Severus had taught at for years?

"You wouldn't know him, he left shortly after. His name was…Alexander Turner." His tone had a bitterness to it, which caused me to shiver.

"You killed him." I realised.

"Years later, on my 19th birthday. It was the first task the dark Lord had given me and I enjoyed every second of it."

"You did the right thing." I said immediately, "If I had the chance t-"

"No." He interrupted me gently, "No it wasn't the right thing. I realised that very quickly, but it was still too late – he was already dead." There was a silence between us, before he continued, "I didn't murder him with my wand. That would have been too quick. I used a knife mainly. But it didn't change anything. That's what I am trying to tell you: It didn't help me in any way. If anything, it just made things worse. In that moment he was a weak old man and I took advantage of that. I was just like him."

"You are not like him! You would nev-"

"In that moment I the stronger one, seeked out somebody weaker and hurt him to satisfy my own selfish need for revenge." His tone was cold, "It's not the same, but it's comparable. I found out he was a millionaire afterwards and at first used his money for charity, to help people, then to help the order."

"But didn't you say he was a muggle?"

"He lived as a muggle after his retirement, said it made life easier on him. It was easier for me to…do what I did. Sometimes I think he knew I was coming for him and wanted to help me end his life. As if he knew what he had done was wrong."

There was a silence between us again, until I asked,

"Does that make it easier or harder to live with?"

"Until this day I have not been able to answer that question." He spoke honestly, "To some extent I can relate to what you've been through and I want you to know we can take as much time as you need, I don't care how long, I just want you to be happy."

I leaned up to kiss him once more.

"You are what makes me happy."

* * *

><p>The next morning Severus showed me the glass with the spider. In daylight it wasn't as hideous as it had been in the night, but I shivered nonetheless.<p>

"I think we should keep it." He said cheerfully, "I mean, it did bring us together."

"A pet spider." I smiled grimly, "How romantic."

He didn't hear the irony in my voice or simply chose to ignore it I wasn't sure.

"Exactly. I have an aquarium in the potions lab I can set him up in." He handed me the jar and I looked at the creature more closely.

It had large, rounded figures and wild, curly, black hair covering it's legs. I wasn't sure to have ever seen a spider this size, but I had never really paid much attention to them.

"You know you could just make me breakfast instead."

Severus chuckled and leaned down to kiss me, taking the jar from my hands.

"You can go ahead; I'll be there in a bit."

So I went downstairs into the kitchen. The sun was shining and it was going to be a hot day again. I sighed wishing once more normality could be a part of my life. I didn't want to be afraid, I wanted to be able to leave the house, perhaps go to a pool or a lake…

When Severus came back upstairs he was whisteling obviously in a good mood. What good would it do, if I voiced my wish? He couldn't change anything.

"Another day in the garden today?" I asked with a smile, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Yes. I started your book by the way."

That made me laugh, "Really?"

"Yes." He turned the stove on and soon the smell of pancakes came over to me, "It's terribly depressing."

"That's just the build-up to make the happy end better."

He was silent and I found myself asking,

"Do you believe in happy ends?"

"No." Severus turned around to me, "I'm surprised you think I would."

"I didn't, not really." He sat down at the table and put a plate stocked with pancakes in front of us, "But you could you, you know."

"Could what?"

"Believe in happy endings."

He raised his eyebrows, as he began eating.

"But how would it help? If I go through life thinking everything will be alright and it doesn't end well, I'll just be disappointed."

I was about to answer, but I was interrupted by a small owl at the kitchen window.

"Severus." I pointed at the window behind him and he turned around.

Immediately he stood up and opened it, the small animal flew inside and handed him a letter. Frowing he opened it and I held my breath.

He sighed relieved and I realised he had held his breath too,

"Finally we have some good news." With a smile he handed me the letter.

_Severus,_

_Father is going out of town for the weekend. I would like to come and visit you and bring our blood-traitor along. _

_Is Saturday night alright for you?_

"Saturday night!" I cried out happily, "That's in five days!"

"Yeah." He smiled and wrote an answer to Draco.

"So…are we going to tell them about us?"

This question made Severus look up, "I'm not sure. We'll see how it goes first."

"Why shouldn't we?"

"Well..." He tied gave the owl the letter and then let the animal fly back outside, "The less people know about a secret, the better."

"He will kill you, if he finds out, won't he?"

Severus knew who I meant immediately.

"Probably. But I shudder when I think of what he would do to you."

"So, we won't tell them."

"We still have some time to think about it."

That day we spent a lot of time in the garden. I continued to read _We'll meet at Midnight_ and he read his novel.

I had a lot of fun trying to teach him some French vocabularies. He had a very hard time in pronouncing them correctly.

Somehow we ended up kissing.

It was strange how my lips couldn't seem to be apart from his, how being away from him in any way was painful for me.

"Hermione?" He whispered now, as we lay close to one another on the blanket.

"Yes?"

"What exactly happened yesterday? Where were you?"

A small sigh escaped my lip, as I rolled onto my back and stared at the blue sky above us. I had been expecting this question.

"I was so…so angry. With you. With myself…I just had to leave and I guess after what you said I expected to punish you, by giving you a fright. I heard that awful woman laughing downstairs and it made a run for away.

I snuck down the stairs and ran outside. Of course I had no where to go." I remembered the feeling of exhilaration for being outside on my own, having made a decision that was only mine and at the same time the knowledge of having no place I could go to.

"I wondered around aimlessly and began to think my idea was stupid. So I wanted to go back and hoped you hadn't noticed I had left. Then I bumped into that man on the way back here and well you know the rest."

"I'm sorry."

"We're both taking the blame." I turned my head again and smiled at him, "So don't worry about it."

"You have to promise me you will never bring yourself into that much danger again." He sat up now, "No matter what happens, no matter how much we may argue or how much you won't to storm off, you just…you _can't,_ alright? Please, don't ever do it again. You have to promise me this."

"I won't. I've learned my lesson, honestly. I'm sorry I keep on causing you so much grief. It's not on purpose."

"I know."

He lied back down next to me again and leaned against him.

"If I try really hard" I whispered, "I can imagine tomorrow I am going to Hogwart. For some reason you and I have spent the summer together and have fallen in love. My biggest problem at the moment is how I am going to explain this to Harry and Ron."

"And I think that's a stupid idea, because they might rat us out."

"They wouldn't."

"Maybe they would by accident."

I smiled at how this situation had suddenly become real, "Ginny already knows and we haven't been talking about anything else for weeks. She's my best friend and that makes Harry jealous. After a loud fight they finally end up together."

"And Mr. Weasley discovers his homosexuality."

"Hey, stop butting into my story. It's supposed to be realistic."

"Sorry." He grinned, "Dumbledore discovers his homosexuality."

I sat up, "Are you serious?!"

He began to laugh, "Minerva and I had a lot of bets going on. Sadly we will never know who has won this one."

I lied back down, "As I was saying. Harry and Ginny end up together. And Ron…well Ron would probably…"

This was difficult for me to say. Despite my new life, my feelings for Severus, Ron had been my first true love.

"Ronald has a secret admirer and will not say who it is. It drives you mad and every night when you sneak into my dungeons with Potters cloak you tell me about it, speculate about it and go on and on. That drives me mad and every night ends in wild kisses, because otherwise we would scream at each other."

"Wild sex." I corrected, "I wouldn't be…we would have sex."

"I would still deduct points from your house." He continued, "To keep up the act and you would understand."

"I would graduate." I continued to stare at the perfectly blue sky, "And we would leave England. We would travel to Japan or Asia, somewhere we are unknown."

"And we would be happy."

Now I did turn to look at him

"We would have a dog and a cat and children."

"One child."

A raised my eyebrow, "Only one?"

"Yes. A daughter. She would have your beauty and intelligence and my skills for keeping secrets and acting." Severus was staring at the sky above,

"When she's old enough we move back to England and she would go to Hogwarts."

"I would go back to teaching Potions and would no longer be the most feared professor and you would teach charms or muggle-studies."

One single tear rolled down my cheek,

"Finally we would be at home." I whispered, "And completely free."

* * *

><p>:( That one was kind of sad. Tell me what you think!<p> 


	13. 13

Thank you for your reviews. Sorry, the weekly upload didn't work as planned, enjoy!

* * *

><p>After that conversation we didn't speak of the future or alternative futures anymore. It was too sad.<p>

Instead we made the best out of our situation: We cooked together, kissed a lot, brew polyjuice-potions and tried to get to know each other better.

He told me of Lily, of their unique friendships. I told him of Ron, of how our short relationship had developed.

"That was also a bet we had going on." Severus said then, "Who you would end up with in the end. I always thought it would be Potter."

I smiled, "Did you ever think it would be you?"

"No."

I wondered, if he had ever hoped it could be me, but didn't dare myself to ask that question for fear of his answer.

We were in the cellar and it was Tuesday. Ginny and Draco would be coming soon and I actually was beginning to get nervous.

Draco had seen me at my weakest, most humiliated. Of course he would not know, nor would he do it intentionally, but he was a constant reminder of my time in the Malfoy Manor.

And Ginny?

How could I face her, knowing what she went through each day? Knowing what I was spared from?

And what if I did tell her of my relationship with Severus? Would she understand? Would she perhaps think something was wrong with me?

How could I look her in the eye, having hugged her mother not so long ago, when she herself hadn't seen her mother in months?

"Are you alright?"

"Yes. Fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You seem distracted." He continued to work in ease with a patience and peace, which was admirable to me.

"I'm just nervous about Ginny and Draco coming over."

His eyes met mine, "I could cancel, if you like."

"No, it's fine. Just…difficult."

The doorbell rang upstairs and he frowned,

A slight fear was within me, but Severus was seemed calm, only slightly confused and so I told myself to be calm also. There was nothing to worry about; danger did not just come knocking at ones door.

"I'll be right back. Stay down here and be quiet."

I nodded. My lesson of not getting myself into trouble had sunk deep. If Severus told me to do something I had to do it, it was about survival.

The minute the cellar door shut a cold shiver ran through my body and I knew I was not alone in the cellar. My hand clutched the knife I was holding tightly. In that moment I wasn't thinking of using it as a weapon, it was merely something I could hold onto in that moment of fear.

I could not have reacted quickly enough anyway. In one moment I was holding the knife, the next it was lying on the floor and somebody pressed a hand against my mouth keeping me locked in a tight grip. There was also a wand pointed at my throat and I knew then I was in a hopeless situation.

"Now, now." It was that womans voice, Aurelia. "What do we have here?" She mocked, "Such a pretty girl!"

I didn't dare speak and she pulled me backwards with her into the shadows. Only a few moments later I could hear the door to the cellar open, the familiar squeal and well known cracking sounds of the steps.

What was not familiar to me was Severus using a rough voice and snapping:

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Have you finally caught up?" She sneered, stepping forward. I tried my best to get out of her grip, but it was hopeless.

She was too strong.

Severus turned away from the aquarium, his wand raised high. The spider inside the glass box was dead.

"Let her go." He had a wild look in his eyes, I had never seen him so angry before, "Let her go, right now Aurelia or I swear I will b-"

"I don't think you are in any position to threaten me, Darling." She pressed the wand against my neck even harder and I winced in pain.

"I had to know." She continued calmly, as if this was a completely normal conversation and she wasn't threatening somebodys life right now. She sighed, "Severus, you cannot understand how humiliated I was when I found out this _is_" she scratched the side of my face with one of her long red finger nails, "the reason you weren't able to sleep with me! I was nosy at first, you see…" Her hand was pulling at my hair now, "I just wanted to know who it was to replace me. Can you imagine my shock when I realised it was the slave? The one you told me you were handling in a way The Dark Lord would approve of?! The Mudblood?!"

"Don't call her that!"

Aurelia merely scoffed, "Please. Isn't it interesting?" The hand that had been pulling at my hair went to my throat also, applying pressure so that I began to gasp, having trouble breathing, "That all this time you had no idea I was an animagus? All those years we spent together and still so little we know about each other? I an animagus and you…a Mudblood-Lover." When she spoke again her voice was etched with fury, "You disgust me."

"How did you get out of the aquarium?" Severus asked, stepping closer. I could see he was trying to distract her by asking this question.

My eyes were locked with his and I tried to concentrate on him. He was coming closer and closer. His hand was in his coat, I knew it was wrapped around his wand.

"How do you think?!" She snapped, "I changed back to my normal self and fixed the broken aquarium. Then I got my clothes and wand and put a different spider inside. You two were so busy _being in love_" She made gagging noises, "that you didn't notice me. I hid down here and waited for the perfect opportunity to…strike."

Severus leapt forward, his wand at the ready, but she was quicker – with a flick of her hand his wand flew out of his hand.

"Ha!"

With her wand-hand gone, I stepped forward quickly, but she pulled me back by my hair and tightened her grip on my throat, so that I was indeed choking.

"I think I will go to the Dark Lord now." Her voice was full of amusement, "And then I will tell him the truth. I will show him what I have seen him and he will punish you Severus." She pinched my chin painfully, "And he'll find a new home for you, pretty girl. A master who actually knows how to handle mudbloods!"

My sight was beginning to get blurry, but I could see Severus panic-stricken face, as he leaped forward. His desperate scream was the last thing I heard before Aurelia and I apparated out of the house.

Tears were streaming down my face. I hadn't been able to say goodbye to him and now I would never see him again.

We were standing in front of a large mansion, which was strangely familiar.

"Come, pretty girl. We aren't going to The Dark Lords house. I just went there so your lover would apparate there. He will be in trouble and you are going to Lucius!" She let go of me and pushed me forward, "I will watch him rape the shit out of you, the way it should be."

No. I would rather die.

I spun around and threw myself against her. She screamed and fell, I punched her face and took her wand of her.

"Avada Kedavra!"

There was a green light and then she was still. Her body froze. I gasped and began to shake. She was dead. I had just murdered somebody.

There was a sound that made me jump. The door to the mansion had been opened,

"Hello?" A woman called out, "Hello?! Is anyone out there?!"

"Mother." I could hear Dracos strained voice, "Please come back inside."

"Don't tell me what to do, Lucius!"

The door was slammed shut and I sighed. Then I touched the dead body, apparating back to Spinners End, where Severus lived.

Unlike Aurelia I was not able to apparate directly inside the house. But fell to my knees on his porch.

I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. The dead body lying at my feet stared up at me with large glassy eyes.

The fact that her wand had obeyed me, that I had been able to kill her with it made no sense to me. It seemed like too much luck. I tired transfiguring her into a bone or a stick or a leaf, but it was too hard. I continued to try and get into the house, feeling unwell with the dead body outside in public.

"Hermione!"

When he finally called my name it seemed like hours had passed.

He hurried over to me hugging me tightly, practically crushing me against his chest,

"I thought I'd lost you."

I cried and he held me.

"What happened?" He whispered, "I went to his house and waited outside, but you weren't there. So I came back."

"She took me to Malfoys!" I sobbed, "She knew you would go to Voldemorts house, she wanted you to die…so…I…I killed her."

Only now did he seem to notice to the dead body. His face grew pale as he crouched down next to her, I fell to my knees beside him.

"I'm sorry."

"You had no choice." His voice was cold, "I followed so I could kill her. If you hadn't done it, I would have." His eyes met mine, "If you hadn't killed her, we would have been tortured and killed."

"I used her wand. I feel terrible."

"We need to get rid of the body."

"I tried to transfigure it." I whispered, "But it didn't work."

"That's a clever idea." Severus stood up and pulled out his wand, "I will transfigure her into a stone and then I'll put it into the garden."

He did exactly that and twenty minutes later we were sitting inside on his couch as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn't just taken somebodys life.

"I don't understand how she managed to apparate out of here." I whispered.

"That's my fault. I like being able to apparate out, as long as people can't apparate inside the house I never really cared. It's stupid that I didn't think to change it." His voice sounded bitter.

"It's ok, it was a mistake."

"It's not ok! All this time I keep on going on about how I am trying to protect you and yet I fail to set up basic security spell!"

I burst out in laughter and Severus stared at me confused.

"I'm sorry!" I wiped away tears from my eyes, "I'm sorry! It's just that is kind of funny!"

"Yes, except for the part where we both almost died today."

My laughter turned into sobs and Severus looked not only uncomfortable, but also confused and overstrained.

"I killed a person today."

He pulled me against him and I cried. I couldn't understand what was going on with myself at the moment. I couldn't describe to him how bad I felt, but he knew anyway. It didn't matter that I had saved us both by taking Aurelias life or that Severus would have done it or even that she had been a cruel woman. I had murdered her and I wasn't sure I could forgive myself for doing so.

* * *

><p>That night had been almost unbearable. I had shaken the entire time, had nightmares and no mater what Severus did he couldn't help me. If he held me I got too warm and pushed him away and when he didn't hold me I felt lonely.<p>

I didn't want to kiss him anymore or be with him, because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I felt like punishing myself and knew no other way to do it.

The days before Ginny and Draco came I avoided him and we stayed away from each other. At night I slept in my own bed and cried myself to sleep. I missed him dreadfully, but didn't know how to tell him that.

The tension between us was horrible. I didn't take help him with any potions, I stayed in my room most of the time and ate my meals later than he did. It went so far that he didn't tell me when he left for a meeting. I assumed it was a meeting, he didn't tell me.

On Saturday I finally saw Ginny. At first it was awkward. They stood in the hallway, both looking tired and anxious. Draco smiled at me and said hello, but I couldn't meet his eyes. Ginny stepped towards me and hugged me tightly.

"Hey."

"Hey."

She stepped away and looked at me,

"You look good."

"You look better than last time." She was wearing jeans and a red shirt. She had lost some weight and had bruises in her face, but other than that she looked fine. Her long hair was shining and beautiful.

"Draco." Severus said, "Come with me into the kitchen. Let's give the girls some privacy."

Ginny and I went upstairs.

"Your room is nice."

I burst into tears.

"Oh, Hermione!" She put her hand on my shoulder, "Don't cry, it's ok!"

"It's not ok!" I sobbed, "I'm living a perfect life and you're stuck in hell and there is nothing I can do about it!"

"You're life isn't perfect." Ginny spoke calmly, "It's better than mine, yes, but it is not perfect and I do not hate you for being lucky, Hermione. How could I? You chose to spend an entire weekend with Lucius…that's amazing, you cannot comprehend how thankful I am that you did that for me!"

"But what is a weekend compared to what you've got to go through every day?!"

She sat down on my bed, slipping out of her shoes and crossing her legs, "It's not that bad anymore actually, because…well because of the potion?"

"What potion?" I sat down on the chair by my desk.

"Don't you know? I thought you were helping Snape brew it. It's kind of like a fantasy-potion I take it and then I can just be somewhere else in my mind, usually I'm in Hogwarts with Harry or at the Burrow with my mum. I'm not there anymore Hermione, when he rapes me I hardly notice it anymore."

I pressed my lips together my insides burning with anger.

"How long have you been taking this?"

"Oh, at least five weeks."

Five weeks! How could he not have told me this?!

"I didn't know."

Ginny shrugged her shoulders, "Draco is so nice, he comes by a lot now and we talk all the time." A sad look appeared on his face, "Hermione, can you tell me what happened to Harry? How he died?"

I told her everything. I told her about the lake, about the car, about the fun time we had that day when we had decided to take a break from worrying about, searching for and planning to destroy the Horcruxes and Voldemort.

I told her about the loud bang and about how I had ran back to the tents worried about their safety, worried about how deatheater had found them and then the disappointment in seeing Ron and Harry had been shot. Harry Potter had died due to the muggle invention of guns. It seemed so silly. But it was true. A muggle attack or not, it didn't matter. No spell could awaken the dead.

Ginny and I both cried when I had finished the story.

"They wanted to necklace. They stole it and shot Harry and Ron for it."

After a moments silence as Ginny and I dried our tears she suddenly let out a noise that seemed to be a mixture of a sob and a giggle.

"I would love to talk about something…normal. You haven't got any boy-troubles at the moment, have you?"

I made the same noise and decided to tell her then.

"Yes, actually I have."

Ginny frowned, "But the only person you see is….Snape?!"

I blushed, "It kind of developed…" I told her everything, my dependence on him, our dependence on making jokes, the way he took care of me emotionally, physically and how we had become friends.

I told her about Aurelia and the situation we were in now.

"I understand what you are doing." Ginny said in the end, "Really, I do, but you do not need to punish yourself for what happened to that woman. She sounds like Lucius as a woman."

"But-"

"Hermione she said she would hand you over to Lucius and watch him rape you! Believe me you have nothing to feel guilty for."

I sighed and dropped my gaze, "I do hear what you are saying, but it doesn't change the fact that she was human and I killed her."

"Fine. Yeah. Imagine how many people she has killed. Imagine how many she might have still killed, given the chance. At least two: You and Snape."

"She wasn't a deatheater."

"That doesn't mean she wasn't a murderer." Ginny concluded immediately.

"Ginny, I feel so guilty!" I stood up, walking around in the room now, "I feel like I need to punish myself!"

"Well you don't." She stood up and touched my shoulders, "Really. And you're also punishing him, don't forget that, because honestly: He doesn't seem like he deserves it."

I had to turn away from her, because I once again had tears in my eyes and I felt so horrible crying in front of Ginny. She had more reasons than I to cry.

"So…Snape? Have you had sex yet?"

I laughed and turned around to her, "No. That's quite complicated."

This was something I could share with her because who was to understand me better than Ginny?

"Well." She said after I had told her of my fears, "I don't think it is that complicated actually. There are ways to…do _things_ without actually having sex." She blushed deeply, "You could do them first, to get used to the idea that it can feel nice."

"How do you know that?"

She blushed even deeper, "Harry and I did some things." There was a small silence between us, until she continued, "And besides it sounds like he's someone you can trust and…well I'm not sure because I don't know him, but it seems like he would stop, if you asked him to."

I took in her words and nodded.

"It seems like it all comes down to talking, honestly. It sounds very silly now of course, but I would just talk to him."

"Thank you Ginny." I sat down next to her, "But how do you know all this?"

She shrugged her shoulders in an absolute casual way, "I've had some boyfriends before."

"And…do you think sex can be pleasant?"

I wasn't sure, if this was insensitive, but Ginny didn't seem to think so.

"I think so, yeah. I believe in love and intimacy and all those things." She smiled, "At least I want to believe in it and I want you to believe in it, if you have the chance to be happy with somebody I think you should take it."

"Ginny…" I began cautiously, "I…I saw your Mum and Dad and I feel horrible about it! But they are doing really well, their posing as muggles, as young students."

"Don't feel horrible." She took my hand, "I'm glad their ok."

"I don't know anything about anybody else though."

"Draco thinks he has some news on Bill and Fleur. They might have gone into hiding. He's not sure."

"That's great! I hope he's right!"

"He's still trying to find out…but I hope so too."

Shortly after that we went downstairs. During dinner I talked to Draco, asking him how is mother was doing.

"It's terrible." He answered honestly, "She's already drunk in the mornings now. I've been thinking of transmitting her to St. Mungos, but that's quite difficult, because she doesn't want to go."

"And you don't want to go back to Hogwarts?"

He shook his head, "No, definitively not. Especially not now while mother is so…sick."

After dinner they left. When I hugged Ginny and said thank you she said she was the one, who was thankful. I thought I understood what she meant.

The second the door had closed I spun around to Severus,

"How could you not have told me about that potion you've been brewing for Ginny?!"

Severus stayed calm, "I haven't been brewing any potions for Ginny."

"She said you have been! Some fantasy-potion that helps her escape what is happening! Why didn't you tell me something like that exists?! _Why didn't you offer any of it to me?!"_

"It's not a helpful potion, it's a drug. Draco asked me about it a few weeks ago, because he stumbled across it in one of his fathers books. I advised him not to give it to Ginny, because she will become addicted. He agreed it was a bad idea and I thought that was the end of it, that's why I didn't tell you. And I did consider giving it to you, for you're time at the manner, but I didn't know Draco was on our side and it only lasts for 14 hours, so somehow you must have gotten more of it in your time there." He lifted his eyebrows, "So…are you talking to me again?"

Despite Ginnys words I wasn't capable of not feeling guilty for what had happened and scared of how my relationship with Severus might develop.

"No." I turned around and ran upstairs into my room.

* * *

><p>What do you think?<p> 


	14. 14

We still weren't speaking to one another. Whenever he had the chance he left the room when I was there. Sometimes he just went out during the day. An option I didn't have.

It was Friday, more than a week had passed, since we had last spoken to each other, when he came into my room.

"Hermione, I'm fed up with this." I looked up from the book I was trying to read, but had found myself just staring at for the last few hours, "I understand that you are angry and blame me for what happened, but we've got to talk. Are you still in this relationship? Because even if you aren't that's alright, you just need to _tell_ me!"

His question caught me of guard and I could only stare at him dumbly, before I whispered,

"I don't blame you for what happened."

"You don't?" Severus frowned, "Well, how come you haven't been talking to me for the last 10 days?!"

"I blame myself." I whispered hoarsely close to tears, "And I feel like I don't deserve being happy with you, I feel so guilty. I want to punish myself by taking away your love for me."

"You stupid girl!" He hissed coming closer, "Do you think it makes a difference? If The Dark Lord fell today and tomorrow you left to marry Ron Weasley I would still love you. If you say you're not in this relationship any more, because you think you do not deserve it then I will still love you!" Severus took my hands in his, "Hermione, there is nothing you could do that would ever make me stop loving you. You can't take away my love for you. It's not possible."

Tears streamed down my face now and he bent down to kiss them away.

"I love you so much." He whispered as he pulled me against him, "Please don't feel guilty for what happened, you saved us. It's all my fault I realised it was a strange looking spider and in stead of killing it I decided to keep it!" He rubbed my back soothingly, as I sobbed against his shoulder, "It was that death-eater at the door. He told me Aurelia had gone missing and the last place she had been seen was my house. I understood it immediately then."

"You killed the spider." I whispered.

"Yes." Severus spoke softly, "Without any second thoughts, because I knew I had to do it to protect you." He leaned his head on mine, burying his face in my hair, "I'm so sorry." His voice was muffled, "You've been through so much, ever since you've been here. I feel like I've failed you."

"You saved me." I looked up at him, wiping my tears away, "It's impossible that you could fail me, because you're the one who saved me in the first place. What I've been through is nothing compared to what I _would_ be going through, if someone else had bought me. I love you and if Voldemort did fall today I wouldn't marry Ron tomorrow. I would leave England and I would take you with me."

He kissed me in a way he hadn't kissed me before. There was so much emotion in it, reaching from passion to desperation to love.

I was lying under him in my bed, his body pressing against mine, his hands running up and down. I didn't know where this longing was coming from, but I suddenly wanted to be very close to him and found myself unbuttoning his shirt. His hand slipped under my top and I cringed, suddenly remembering how Lucius Malfoy had sat on top of me like this, with his hand on my skin…

"I'm sorry!" Severus gasped, sitting up, "I shouldn't have gotten so ca-"

"No, I'm sorry." I sat up, "I wanted it, but then this memory just came back…"

"It's ok, I understand."

We sat next to each other, breathing heavily and with our shirts opened.

"I talked to Ginny."

He seemed confused, "I know…"

"I mean I talked to Ginny about us. She knows and she…I said I was scared of sex and she said there was other stuff we could do."

"Other stuff?" He repeated, "You mean…"

I blushed deeply, "Well I can't imagine that it feels good so Ginny suggested to start slowly by…doing other stuff."

There was a second of silence where I was so embarrassed I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me, but Severus merely nodded,

"Yeah that makes sense." He leaned in and kissed my cheek, "I would like to continue with the potions downstairs, do you care to join me?"

I nodded and got up. Glad we weren't talking about sex anymore.

"There's still something I wanted to tell you." Severus said, as we entered the cellar, "About Turner. I told the Order he died a few months ago and they believed me. He's been dead for a long time, but I didn't want the money. I only started using it, when…I bought you."

"Ok."

We worked in silence and Severus worked in a calm, slow way that made me feel as if everything was normal again.

"Hermione, Draco is planning on going into hiding with Ginny."

I almost dropped the knife I was using in shock,

"What?!"

"He wants to take her and leave, when his father goes away again. We will not be able to stay in contact with them anymore. I was wondering if I should tell you this, because it isn't sure yet, Draco told me last night."

"But where would he go?"

"He wouldn't tell." Severus began stirring the potion, "I think he might be in love with her."

"That's crazy! Draco and Ginny!" I rolled my eyes.

"Right, because Hermione Granger and Severus Snape makes so much sense."

I smiled, "Yeah, ok I guess that is a valid point. Did he tell you about Fleur and Bill?"

He nodded, "He plans on going to them, but I don't think that is a good idea."

"Why not? Then part of the Weasleys would be together!"

"Yes and if they get caught all four will be doomed."

I sighed, "You're right."

"That doesn't mean it can't end well though, they could go to them later, when Lucius calms down. As I know him he will not rest for a very long time, until he finds them."

I grinned, "You said something could end well."

"You said I could start believing in happy endings."

"So he would just leave his mother like that?"

"Not easily, but yes. He's understood that he can't help her, it probably won't make that much of a difference if he's there or not." Severus sighed, "He wants me to check up on her every now and then."

I didn't answer.

"He thinks I can drop by every week and check on her."

I continued cutting up some roots and didn't comment.

"I don't want to do that. The thought of being in Malfoy Manor and knowing you are at home by yourself disgusts me. If you don't want me to do it, then I will tell Draco no. He will have to understand."

I looked up, "I don't want you to do it. But maybe she could come to your house sometimes during the week. That would be ok with me."

"She won't. At least I don't think she will. It is worth a try; I could talk to Draco about it and see what he says."

"Thank you."

We finished the polyjuice potion and then ate some dinner. That night I slept in his bed again and for the first time since that horrible incident with Aurelia I slept without nightmares.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe this is really happening." I whispered lying next to Severus in the garden.<p>

"I can't believe I actually feel jealous." He muttered.

What he said made sense to me. I was jealous of Draco and Ginny too. They were both going into hiding this week and we would see them for the last time this coming Saturday, three days from now. Dracos owl had arrived a while ago.

"We shouldn't be jealous. They will be in danger."

"Yes."

But they would be far away from Voldemort and Ginny would no longer be anybody's slave.

"Do you think Lucius will come to you then? Will he suspect anything?"

Severus shook his head, "No, he doesn't know anything about our meetings with Draco and Ginny."

"Where is he anyway? Why does he keep on leaving during the weekends?"

I had seen a lot of Ginny and Draco in the last two months, because Lucius was gone a lot.

Severus moved his head, so that his lips touched my temple, "I don't think you really want to know."

"He's not going away for Voldemort then?"

"He is having sex with prostitutes."

A silence hung between us before I said: "Yeah, you are right. I don't want to know."

A lot of things had happened between us in the last eight weeks as Ginny and Draco had been planning their escape.

At first Severus and I had spent a lot of time kissing each others bodies. Then we had stroked each other and six weeks ago we had sex for the first time. I was surprised it had happened. It had happened quicker than I had anticipated, but it had been great. And it kept on getting greater. He was so gentle and always made sure I was absolutely comfortable with what was going on. I trusted him completely.

"You know…" I began carefully, as I heard a smacking sound, "You do not have to kill every single bug in the garden. I don't think these flies are all animagi."

"You can never be careful enough." He killed another one with the book he was supposed to be reading.

"Do you know what I would love to do?"

"No." Severus leaned down to kiss me, "But I know what I would love to do."

"I want to go swimming." I sat up, gently pushing him away, "I haven't been swimming in such a long time and it's so hot!"

"If you take off you clothes you might cool down a bit."

I rolled my eyes, but then grew serious again,

"Am I a horrible person for feeling sad that they are leaving?"

"No." He stroked my face with his finger, "You're not horrible. It's only natural that you feel this way."

"She's the only friend I have apart from you."

"I know." Now Severus leaned down and gently brushed my temple with his lips, "I will try my best to be a good friend for you, I promise."

"You're everything for me." I stared up to his eyes and he kissed me deeply.

These past few weeks we had spent all of our time together. I hadn't come around to reading _We'll Meet At Midnight_ in all this time, but I didn't mind. For a long time we had spent most of our days in bed, like a married couple during the honeymoon.

"Hermione?" He whispered now, "I…I've been thinking about something."

"What?"

"Aurelias wand is still in the cellar."

Although it was a hot-summer day I shivered.

"I think you should start practice using it." He continued, "It would be good, if you could do some magic. It would make me feel safer, you know just in case something happens."

"Well." My voice was bitter, "I've already killed the last owner with it, so I guess that's already something, right?"

"I didn't mean to remind you, I'm sorry. But please think about it. If we already have this opportunity, I think we should use it."

"Isn't it dangerous?" I sat up, "If it's just lying around in the cellar like that?"

"It's not lying around in the cellar like that." Severus sounded amused, "I transfigured it into a potions-jar, I can show it to you, if you like."

"I don't know…is it really safe? What if the new ministry has a way of tracing us?"

"Of course it is safe, love, otherwise I wouldn't have suggested it, would I? Besides you're not underage and they have no other way of tracing you, because…well…" He sounded very uncomfortable, "As a muggle-born you haven't got the status of a citizen who has the right to be traced. Muggle-borns are too unimportant for the Ministry to deal with them." Severus eyes met mine, "I'm sorry. I love you."

I rolled my eyes, "I know you do. But that seems like a pretty big glitch in the system, doesn't it? I mean so many muggle-borns are being oppressed or are in hiding, wouldn't it be cleverer to check up on them?"

"Probably." He agreed with me, "But luckily the minister hasn't thought so far and I will know if he does, because I go to the death-eater meetings regularly."

I stood up and swayed, falling forward. Severus had jumped p to his feet and caught me,

"Are you aright?"

"Yeah." I leaned against him, "I think I just stood up too quickly."

"And you haven't been drinking enough."

"I'm not thirsty."

Severus sighed, "I can't believe you and I are still having this discussion. You generally do not drink enough, Hermione. Now come on, let's go inside and get you some water."

I rolled my eyes, but let him pull me into the house by my hand.

In the cellar he showed me a potions-jar with a blue dot at the bottom. It on top of the aquarium, where the dead spider still lay unmoving.

"You will need a wand to transfigure it obviously." He said as he tipped his wand against it, "But if I should die the spell will break automatically."

"Please don't say something like that."

"Hermione, we do not know what the future brings. If I die I want to know you are safe. Please respect that."

Sighing I took the wand in my hand.

"Alright, try to disarm me."

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I didn't and pointed the wand at him crying out,

"Expelliamus!"

Nothing happened.

"Try again." Severus came closer, "Concentrate on what you want to do, picture it in your mind."

Finally when I tried for the tenth time Severus wand flew from his hand.

"Well that was…"

"It was horrible Severus, you weren't even holding on to your wand properly."

"You just have to practice some more." He took it from my hand and transfigured it back into the potions jar, "Now lets go upstairs, I'm starving." He put his arm around me, "Don't worry Hermione, it's because of the wand that it didn't work so well. You don't feel so comfortable with it, you just need some time to get used to it and practice some more."

"Yeah."

"And I'm sure if you drink some more fluids tomorrow that will help as well."

I smiled up at him.

After dinner I wanted to go to bed, but Severus shook his head, when he saw I was heading to the bedroom.

"What's wrong?"

"Come outside. I want to show you something."

He was carrying a bag,

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see, come here." He put his arm around me, "Hold on tight."

We apparrated and then we were suddenly standing at a lake.

I gapsed, "Where are we?!"

"Somewhere in France."

"But wha-"

"You said you wanted to go swimming…" Severus began opening his shirt, "So let's!"

I looked at his bag, "Any chance you packed swimming suits in there?"

"Nope." He continued to undress, as I looked around uneasily.

"No ones here." Severus said calmly, as he stood in front of me stark naked, "Now, get out of your clothes!"

I decided he was right and began to take of my shirt and jeans. He ran of into the lake and I followed, screeching as I padded into the cold water.

"It's cold!" I cried out. Severus had already dived under water and was stroking back his now wet hair. The moonlight shone of his pale, bare chest. He had never looked sexier to me.

"Just go under water completely it'll help!"

I did just that, holding my breath as the icy cold water wrapped itself around me and rushing back up shivering.

"It just made it worse!" I laughed, swimming closer.

"You have to move more, let's have a race!"

We swam side by side as fast as we could in the darkness. It did warm me up and I swam back to where I could stand. It gave me a better feeling. Severus followed me, putting his arms around me from behind.

"Thank you." I whispered, as I looked up at the stars twinkling upon us, "This is beautiful."

"I would do anything for you." He whispered back, before kissing my lips gently. I turned around to him wrapping my arms around his body.

Shortly after that we apparated back home and went to bed and I fell asleep in his arms, unknowing that it was going to be last time for a long time that we were going to be this happy together.

* * *

><p>I love you guys, really I just wanted to say that. Please review and tell me what you think. Why is this their last happy moment? Any suggestions?<p> 


	15. 15

I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thank you for your reviews.

* * *

><p>I threw up into the toilette loudly, gasping for air as I steadied myself. Then I washed out my mouth with water and brushed my teeth.<p>

"Are you alright?" Severus called from outside.

"Fine!" I called back before spitting into the sink and cleaning out my mouth again. I put my toothbrush back where it belonged and ripped the door open, where he stood a worried look on his face.

"See? I'm perfectly fine!"

He didn't answer and reached out to lay his hand against my forehead, "You've been throwing up for three days now."

"Yes, but only in the mornings, in case you haven't noticed. Otherwise I'm absolutely fine! I'm just nervous about Ginny and Draco coming around today, that's all."

He eyes me suspiciously, "You've been like this since we came back from France."

"Oh yes." My voice was full of sarcasm, "I'm sure I caught some kind of French infection that is incurable and I'm going to die of it, because I was in a lake for half an hour, the same lake you were in, if I may add that!"

For a moment he looked hurt and I regretted my snapping at him,

"Look." I put my hands on his chest, "I know you're scared, but you don't have to be. I'm fine. Once Ginny and Draco are gone I won't be throwing up any more, I promise!" When he still had that sullen look on his face, I rubbed my hands against his chest, "Stop worrying about me, please. After everything that has happened to us, you must understand that we can deal with every situation."

A sigh escaped his lips, "Most of that is mere luck."

I stood on my tiptoes to give him a quick kiss.

The doorbell rang and he went downstairs, I waited in the hallway first to make sure it really was Draco and Ginny and not some death-eater who had spontanouesly decided to drop by.

"Hermione, you can come down!"

I walked down the stairs trying with all my might to be happy for Ginny. Had she not been happy for me, too? That it was not I who was stuck in the Malfoy Manor, but that I was the one, who had a nice, yes loving, owner?

My, had the roles been reversed it would have been an entirely different story.

Yet it seemed unfair. She could run, she could hide. Her protector, the only one she could depend on for help, wouldn't be in contact with Voldemort constantly and therefore constantly in danger.

But I wasn't the only one who wasn't smiling or happy for them. Severus was pale and glaring at Draco.

"Don't…bl….blame h…him." Ginny looked terrible: She was very pale, very thin, her hair was no longer beautiful and she was shaking so hard she could barely speak, "Hi Her…Mione." She tried to smile.

"What on earth happened to you?!" I rushed to her side, putting my hand on her shoulder, looking up at Severus and Draco with worried eyes.

"Her last potion was two days ago." Draco explained, "It is difficult for her."

"I'm s…so c…cold!" She shuddered even more, "The p…p….potion made me so w…w….warm you see!"

"Come." I put my arm around her shaking shoulders and led her to the couch, where I wrapped a blanket around her.

Severus and Draco were the ones to go upstairs now and I could hear them arguing, but couldn't make out the words.

I held my arm around Ginny and had her wrapped up in a blanket tightly, trying to ease the shaking. It helped a little.

"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it." I leaned my head against hers, "I'm sorry you're so weak."

"I had to come of it at some point…did you know it's a drug?"

"Severus explained after you had left the last time."

She grinned, looking like her normal-self for a spit second, "Severus, eh?"

I blushed, "Yeah. Thank you for your advice…from last time."

"I'm leaving you in good hands aren't I?" She whispered, "Because to be honest I feel terrible leaving you behind, I wish you could come with us, but then Snapes cover would be blown."

"Don't feel bad, Ginny!" I hugged her even tighter, "Just look after yourself, promise me that!"

"Of course! Don't worry about me. No man is ever raping me again, I can promise you that. I'll fight until the very end."

All of a sudden I felt like crying.

"So?" She grinned again, "What is the sex like?"

I blushed deeply, "Amazing. You wouldn't believe it."

"I'm glad. So…you got over…your fear?"

I nodded, "You will too, one day."

She scoffed, "Yeah, right. You mean when this is over? When we have our fairy tale happy endings and get married and have kids?"

I avoided her eyes.

"I don't believe in it Hermione, not anymore. The death-eaters, Voldemort and everyone, who agrees in his policy, they're just too strong. We won't ever have what is considered a normal life, the only thing we can do is try to make the best out of our situation. That's what I am doing by running away and that's what you are doing by falling in love. In the end we'll see which one of us made the stupid decision."

A door upstairs opened and Ginny smiled,

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Will you tell my mum…tell her I've ran away and that I will be safe. That I love her." She paused, "Don't tell her about the drugs, you know how easily she is upset, she would have a huge fit about it."

"Oh Ginny!" I had to laugh and cry at the same time.

When Draco and Severus came downstairs I could see that Severus had grown even paler. He looked terribly worried, as if he were about to get sick himself.

I hugged Ginny for a long time and Draco hugged Severus just as long. He smiled at me and shook my head,

"Good luck Granger." He grinned and I grinned back,

"See you around, Malfoy."

They left and when the door closed I felt like breaking down in sobs, because I knew it was the last time we were going to see them and that was tearing me apart. My last bridge to my old life had just walked out of the door. My last memories of Hogwarts had just vanished.

"Hermione." Severus voice shook, "You've gained some weight."

I spun around to him, absolutely angered by his tactlessness,

"Yeah, I did!" I yelled, "Of course I did! Or do you see some way I can do sport in this situation, locked up in this house all day?!" My voice grew even louder, "And do you really think now is the place to bring this up?!"

Severus hadn't moved, hadn't flinched at all at my words,

"And you've been snapping at me. And throwing up in the mornings only."

Realization hit me then and me knees began to shake. If I fell now I wasn't sure if he were able to catch me, for he looked just as weak, as I felt.

"You…You're pregnant." He whispered.

I wanted to answer, say that was ridiculous. My mood and my weight were due to being locked up in the same house all the time. And I had been throwing up because Draco and Ginny had just left our lives forever. I had always thought Ginny and I would be parts of each others life, I always thought I was going to be part of her family and now I was never going to see her again. That bound to make somebody feel ill.

I never got around to say any of those things though, because I darted up the stairs and barely made it in time to get to the toilette and throw up once more.

* * *

><p>What do you think will happen next?<p> 


	16. 16

**Chapter16**

Hi guys, wow it's been ages since I last posted something here! I'm so sorry! I guess life just kind of got in the middle of everything...any way I hope you enjoy this chapter

* * *

><p>I was lying in bed. In my room. My hand was on my abdomen. There was the smallest of bumps there. One wouldn't even notice if one didn't know about it.<p>

But I knew.

And Severus knew.

I hardly saw him anymore. He was in the potions lab from the first ray of sunlight to sunset brewing an abortion-potion. He had been doing so in the past two weeks.

After Ginny and Draco had left we had shouted at each other all day:

"I am not getting rid of our baby, Severus!"

"Yes you are! Do you want to kill us?!"

"No!" I had cried out desperately, "I don't want to kill _our baby!_"

He had pressed both of his hands against his head in a desperate act,

"Hermione, what do you think will happen to it, when they find out?!"

"They don't have to necessarily f-"

"They _will_ find out!" He interrupted loudly, stepping closer, "Of course they will find out! How do you want to keep a child secret?!"

"Lots of people have done it before!" I snapped, "In the Second World War muggle parents had babies with them in hiding an-"

"We are talking about _Voldemort_ here!" Severus roared, "Can't you get that into your head?! He will tear it apart and make us watch; he will slaughter this child and enjoy every second of it!"

"I'm not getting rid of it!"

"Yes you are! I am brewing this potion immediately! And you are drinking every drop of if, even if I have to force it down your throat!"

"How can you be so bloody heartless?!" I was crying now, "This is our _child_!"

"Exactly! And I do not want our child to fall into the hands of people like Malfoy! I don't want a child growing up in this world! It would be heartless to give birth to it!" With that he had vanished into the cellar to get started and I had moved back into my own room.

I was in my tenth week. By the twelfth the baby had to be gone. Otherwise the potion wouldn't work, that's why he was so strained and so busy. It took weeks until it was completed.

A knock on the door made me look up.

I wasn't even pretending to be reading. I was trying to figure out how to get out of this situation.

"I need some of your blood." He had a dagger in his right hand and a vial in the other.

"Right. And what is it _you_ had to donate to this potion?"

I knew the answer already; I had studied it exactly one night as he had gone to bed.

"Sperm."

"Of course." My voice shook with bitterness and anger, "The man gets to masturbate and the woman has to wound herself."

"I am not enjoying any of this, ok?!" Severus snapped now, the knife in his hand was shaking, "This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!"

"Oh, poor poor Severus."

He glared at me, "Hold out your arm."

I did as he commanded and didn't flinch, as he cut me. Some drops of my blood dripped into his vial.

"I can heal that for you, if you like." His voice had become gentler now.

"Don't bother. Close the door on your way out."

Severus left my room with a sad look on his faces and the minute the door was closed I burst into tears.

Abortion was murder. That was how I felt. This child inside my body was not merely a collection of cells. It was my baby.

I looked at my bleeding arm and wondered how strange it was that it didn't bother me at all. The pain didn't come close to what I felt when it came to that horrid potion.

It would be finished soon. The blood of the mother was the last ingredient.

My blood was on my bed now, but I could care less. I lay back down and rubbed my stomach.

I understood Severus' points. Just the thought of really and truly having a baby here in this life in this house in so much danger made me shudder in fear. But I believed deep in my heart that we could do this, we could love this child enough to give it a good life, we could protect it and use magic and spells to make sure no one noticed it.

There were ways to do this. Yes they weren't simple, but that didn't mean we had to kill our baby. It wasn't its fault we had been so reckless. Contraception should have been the most important thing on our mind, but it hadn't been. We had only thought of ourselves, because of our love.

It seemed so silly now. Such a silly mistake and that our child had to pay the prize for it! It wasn't his or her fault that Severus and I couldn't manage birth control.

My baby had a right to live. It wouldn't be a perfect life, it surely wouldn't make mine perfect, but more stressful, because I would worry about him or her so much, but a life it was. I was not going to take it away. I had made my decision.

Hours later I was still lying in that position. My thoughts had gone wild, repeating spells in my mind, wondering how to best protect my baby and then realizing I didn't have a plan as to how I would actually get around _not_ taking the potion.

Severus could easily overpower me: He had a wand _and_ was stronger.

So I decided to just agree with him. That ought to do the trick.

There was a knock on my door again, this time it seemed shyer and the door was pushed open slowly.

"It's finished." His tone was grave, "You need to take it now."

I nodded and stood up, taking it from him.

"I know you're right." I whispered, looking up into his eyes, "But this is killing me. Can you please leave so I can…do it alone?"

He raised his eyebrows just as I had known he would, "Do you think I'm that stupid?"

"Please Severus." The tears in my eyes were not merely a performance, "I…I just can't do it with you here. I want to be able to say goodbye to…" A quiet sob escaped my mouth and he leaned forward, pressing his lips against my temple in the softest motion.

"I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too Hermione." He kissed my head again, "More than anything else."

He left and I walked to my bathroom. Slowly I lowered the cup to the sink and began to pour the black thick fluid down the drain.

It smelt of death and betrayal.

Just as I felt in that moment.

* * *

><p>"Do you need anything else?"<p>

It was horrible. I felt so bad. I just wanted to throw up all the time.

"It's normal to feel weak." Severus spoke softly, "You may have to rest a week or so." He sat down on the bed and took my hand in his, "I knew you had agreed when you gave me the blood. You did it so willingly."

I began to cry.

"I'm so sorry!" He leaned forward and pulled me against him, "Don't cry my love, we did the right thing. We had to do it. We had no other choice."

I continued to cry. I would have to pretend to have drunken the potion for another week at least, better yet two weeks. Then I would be in my twelfth week and the potion wouldn't work, even if he managed to brew some more.

I had no idea how I was supposed to tell him the truth and at the same time I had no idea how to _not_ tell him.

Those two weeks he was around me all the time. I could tell he was worried. He felt responsible for how I felt, because he thought I was mourning the loss of our child. He had taken a vasectomy-potion and had told me about it afterwards. He said he didn't want to risk anything.

Most of the time I was inside the house. The days when we lay side by side in the garden were over. Summer had passed and rain and coldness was beginning to take its place.

Severus was very patient with me. Day by day he stayed with me and he seemed to have a sense for when I wanted to talk to him and when I just wanted him to stay by my side in silence.

Fortunately his patience ended after two weeks and not earlier.

"Hermione." He began carefully that day, as we sat on the couch, side by side, his fingers playing with my hair, "You need to talk to me. I understand that you are upset. We lost a child. We will never be able to have children or a normal life. It breaks my heart as well, but I'm worried about you."

I took a deep shuddering breath, "There's something I didn't tell you."

"What?" He sounded worried, "Are you still in pain? That should have stopped by now!"

"I'm not in any pain." I sat up, "In fact I haven't been in any pain at all, because I didn't have an abortion." There was the quietest and longest silence in the history of the silences, "I didn't drink the potion. I'm keeping this baby."

Severus face grew very pale and he buried his face in his hands, shaking his head.

"You're going to get us killed."

"We can manage this."

"No." He shook his head, "No we cannot. He will find out and he will kill us all slowly and painfully."

"We could go into hiding." I suggested, "Like Ginny and Draco."

"No we can't Hermione!" Severus stood up now and his voice was raised, "The Dark Lord didn't care about Draco at all, he didn't need him. The fact that he is gone doesn't upset him or make him want to punish him. Of course he is looking for them, but he is bored with them. You and I would be a completely different story. He has always had reason to be suspicious of me and you were part of the golden trio, he will tear up the entire world to find us."

"We can get through this." I stood up too, "Just think ab-"

"No!" He shook his head desperately, "Stop thinking this is some romantic wonderful thing that has happened. It is not. Hermione you honestly cannot be so naïve that you would think if we love one another or this child enough things will work out. Have you got any idea what kind of situation you put us in?!"

"We can protect ourselves with magic, we can use silencing spells and –"

"Oh we can protect ourselves with _magic_!" He cried out sarcastically, "Now why didn't I think of that idea?! Fighting the most evil wizard of all time with magic! Really Hermione what would the entire world do without your intelligence?!"

"Stop being so mean!" I snapped, "I know you think I what I did was wrong, but you'll see it was the right thing once the baby is there."

"Once the baby is there we are getting rid of it." His cold voice was absolutely emptied of emotions.

"You can't be serious! You just want to murder a newborn the minute it is born?!"

"Not necessarily. There's also the possibility of adoption."

His words hurt me so bad it was as if they had knocked me over and I had to sit down again.

"I am not giving my baby up for adoption!"

"And I am not letting it kill us!"

There was a silence, when we stared at each other breathing heavily due to our shouting.

"Let's just go to bed." I whispered, "We can still talk about this."

"Do you think I can just go to bed with you and act as if nothing has happened?!" Severus once more shook his head at my behavior, "You lied to me. You brought us both in mortal danger and you won't even see it. I can't stand to even look at you right now."

My voice shook, when said those next words:

"You said there was nothing I could do to make you stop loving me."

The last words he spoke to me for a long time were the following:

"I am starting to believe that is not true."

With that he turned around and went upstairs into his bedroom. I stayed in my own one.

* * *

><p><strong>Three<em><br>_**

There wasn't a lot going on in my third month. The bump was beginning to grow more and more and soon people who didn't know about it would see it too.  
>Severus was not talking to me. I tried every day. Whenever I saw him I opened my mouth to say anything, be it<br>"Hey, I think we should go away for Christmas."  
>Or<br>"The weather-man said there will be rain tomorrow."  
>Or<br>"What would you like for dinner today?"  
>What ever it was I said it and what ever it was he ignored it. It seemed impossible to get him to talk to me.<br>The topic of the baby was one I avoided; it was obvious that would only lead to an argument. But it was the only topic on my mind. I was worried sick. I knew nothing about babies, I didn't know what to do when they cried, I didn't know how to change a diaper (at least I wasn't entirely sure how to do it), I didn't know the first thing about feeding a baby. I was actually afraid of them breaking, every time I had held one they had seemed so fragile, so dangerous…  
>And it wasn't only that I knew nothing about babies, I also knew nothing about being pregnant. I didn't know if I was still supposed to be throwing up as much as I did or if the baby ought to be moving by now, I didn't know what I was supposed to eat, what was good and what was bad for my child.<br>I didn't know what to expect when it came to giving birth.  
>I was absolutely terrified and felt so utterly alone.<br>Severus didn't want to teach me magic any more. I had followed him into the cellar one day and demanded we give it another try. He hadn't answered or reacted and I knew it wasn't because he was worried about mine or the babies safety.  
>He just could not stand to talk to me any more.<p>

**Four**  
>Things were slowly starting to get better. Severus had finally given into my begging and bought some pregnancy-books in a muggle-store. I read and re-read them as many times as possible. I was not throwing up any more and the books said that was normal.<p>

I was beginning my second trimester.

As the child grew inside of me, so grew my love for it. Joy rose inside of me and I longed to see this little creature, longed to hear it laugh and longed for it to move inside of me.

Everything became an adventure. Every meal I ate was for my baby. Every trip to the shower was done with caution, for I did not want to slip and injure the child. Every time I got dressed I realised I would soon need new clothes. Every time I saw something colourful, like my red bedspread I remembered I would need to buy clothes for the child. When I thought of those clothes I thought of how I would buy them according to the sex of the baby. Blue and green for a little boy and red or pink for a little girl.

Perhaps I would not have been so overinvolved with my pregnancy, had I a normal life. But this was I disregarded from and therefore my entire life revolved around my unborn baby as it had once done so for Severus.

We truly lived past one another. Whenever he left he did not say goodbye and I did not ask him where he was going.

It was strange how one could miss somebody and live so close to them at the very same time. But that's how it was during these months of our life.

**Five**

A girl. It had to be a girl.

A boy. A beautiful, adorable, handsome boy with large brown eyes and black hair…

No. A girl I could dress in sweet dresses and teach to be lovely. A boy would be messy and wild - harder to keep in this house.

But a boy would be strong.

Girls could be strong too!

It had to be healthy. It had to be able to grow up and provide for itself. It had to be able to live a life away from us, once it was old enough to escape.

Or maybe it didn't even need to be like that. Maybe all I needed was for this child to be a good person. A kind of person we could be proud of. A kind of person, who was loving and forthcoming and wouldn't do the same mistakes his parents had. Who would tell the people it loved how it felt. Who wouldn't plot revenge for petty things, such as revival. Who wouldn't discriminate others because their parents came from a different country or whose parents weren't wizards.

Perhaps the sex didn't matter. Only the soul did.

These were the arguments I was supposed to be having with the baby's father, but Severus and I were still not speaking to each other. Instead I had them with myself, whilst I lay in bed at night and could not sleep.

These were the nice problems I had. The fun worries. They distracted me from questions as: Was I a terrible person? Would this child survive? How would we provide for it? How would we keep it secret? What would the Dark Lord do if he ever found out? Surely we would all die? Would it not be easier to die now? And was I able to be a mother? Was Severus able to be a father?

I wanted to share my thoughts with him, but could not do so. He lay in his bed at night and I lay in mine. And while I had so many questions, fears and worries, there was one thought that painfully penetrated my heart, soul and mind. The scariest, ugliest and most hurtful truth: As I lived my life, pregnant, sharing my body with another person, I had never once in my life felt as alone as I did during that time.

**Six**

Oh the joy! Whenever this small creature moved inside of me I laughed and smiled and could not control myself. And once, yes once, I during a dark, cold, night went into Severus' room and woke him, ever so gently whispering his name and put his hand to my stomach, where our child was kicking against the walls of my body, wanting to be acknowleged.

We both did not speak a word, but he put his other hand on my stomach also and that was one of the biggest moments in our entire history together.

I did not sleep in his bed that night, although I longed to. I missed him dreadfully. The next day he sat beside me on the couch, as I watched Tv. After half an hour I took his hand and put it on the growing bump in my body. We weren't ready to speak to one another just yet. I knew that. This was just fine.

**Seven**

My body was yet expanding and growing. I just wanted it to stop and I wanted this heavy baby outside of me. I wanted my body back to myself and I wanted to see my child, wanted to hold it into my arms. My body was full and my arms were empty.

Every part of me felt like it was about to explode, everything was so tight, so swollen and somehow everything seemed to hurt. And there were so many decisions to be made, I didn't know how to deal with them. While I lay awake at night I wondered about what I was going to call the baby. There were a lot of ideas. Aileen, after Severus' mother, Lily, after his friend and love, Harriet, as a reminder of Harry and for a boy Ron, Harry, Albus, Fred...but beside the fact, that Severus didn't necessarily like to name his child after Harry or Ron, I wasn't sure if I constantly wanted to be reminded of the people I loved, who no longer existed.

**Eight**

Oh the agony! I was going to die. I was sure of it. The pain was the most intense and horrifying I had ever felt how any woman had lived through it I didn't know. I wanted to die there and then. Panic, terror and pain settled into every part of my body. I wasn't ready for this, Severus wasn't ready and this baby couldn't come into this cruel and unjust world. I wanted to keep it inside of me and keep it safe, keep it as my own.

"You've got to breathe." His gently voice after all these months calmed the storm inside me temporarily, "And only push when I tell you to."

"You…you know what to do?"

"Of course. I read all the books."

I screamed in agony, as pain rushed through me once more.

"Severus!" I cried out, tears making their way down my face, "It's too soon! We haven't even got a crib yet!"

"We don't need a crib."

"Of course we do!" I sobbed now, "The baby will be tired and it needs a place to sleep! How could we no-" My own scream interrupted me. How could we have no crib?! We had known this day would come long enough. But it was too soon. Way to soon…

"Hermione. We are not keeping this baby." I do not to this day understand why he chose that particular moment to enlighten me of his own plans. "Once it's born I'll take it away and leave it at a church far away. It will have a perfectly normal and safe life."

"No!" I yelled out due to the physical and emotional pain, "No one else is raising our child!"

"What kind of a life have we got to offer?!"

"You can't just decide to give it away!"

"You can't just decide to stay pregnant and you did so any way!"

Severus saw it and I felt it, yet we did not stop arguing until the loud, energetic cry of our baby interrupted our us.

It was finally here.

* * *

><p>What would you like? A boy or a girl? I have no idea what to name the baby either way, so send me your request via a personal message or through a review. Thank you for reading!<p> 


End file.
